The Long Ugly Goodbye

It is with a heavy heart that I must (once again) walk away from the church I chose - I CHOSE - to attend.  It wasn't my decision to leave 14 years ago, and I wish I didn't have to go now. 

I've written A LOT about the circumstances surrounding us leaving the church the first time, and about how that event changed the spiritual landscape of my family forever.  I always believed that one day there would be - surely there had to be - restoration and reconciliation.   I returned after 11 years, believing the time had come.

I was wrong.

Lest you judge me, please know that I've done everything to reconcile according to scripture.  I went to my offender one on one, then I took someone with me, and then I went to the leadership to help with the restoration process, but all to no avail.

Some people have told me I still haven't forgiven.  Not only have I forgiven, but I go home nearly every Sunday and have to go through the phases and steps that result in forgiveness all over again because of new offenses.  It's exhausting, demoralizing, heartbreaking - and completely unnecessary.  I've given it three years this time around.

I'm a good person.  It's ironic that I have been, and continue to be, highly respected, loved, admired, and embraced in my "secular" life.  I have a great reputation as a teacher, an actor, and a director.  My gifts and talents are recognized, my strengths are celebrated, and my weaknesses are made less weak because of the strong support of my unchurched friends.  The people with whom I work know me as a woman of integrity and heart.

I, however, am NOT embraced by the church (note the little "c") that I attend.  I've never been forgiven for accused offenses - misunderstood words that resulted in false assumptions.  And why do I care?  Because those I attend church with are the very same people who will be my neighbors for eternity in Heaven.  It'd be good to be reconciled here on earth first!

I returned to the church three years ago, believing that time had healed.  Since I've been back, I've been shunned, walked away from, told I could NOT serve, ignored, refused, and even denied communion!  One woman told me my children "deserved" to be kicked out of church and that I should give up on them as they "made their decision a long time ago".  I told her she missed out on having front row seats to miracles and that I felt sorry for her.

Yes, there are wonderful and loving people, but I do NOT deserve to be mistreated by the few.  I deserve to be seen for who I really am.  Even if the accusations of years ago were true, I deserve grace.  I'm a child of God.

I sincerely believed that I was back in the right place at the right time for the right reasons when I learned you - the church - would be reaching out to a community I love and have worked with for many years.  I adore the people that are The Tower District - the men and women, the vibe....the truth.

I ask you, dear church, to see The Tower population as I do.  Please don't run in with your sword and shield with the intention of changing them.  I ask that you spend time getting to know them, and allowing them to teach YOU.  Let them show you unconditional love, acceptance, authenticity, and art.  So many of the people down there are not only unchurched, but many have been de-churched.  They've been wounded by those they once trusted. They're not going to respond to being told they're bad.  They'll respond to a new kind of love - one they've never known before.

John 13:35 reminds us that the unbelievers will know we are Christians by our love for one another.  We need to be so accepting, loving, and warm toward our own body that the world is drawn to us, not repelled by us.  We can't win them over until we accept, love, support, and show grace toward one another.

It wasn't The Church (with a big "C") who held me in their arms and let me cry when my drug-addicted child was missing.  It wasn't The Church who walked the streets of Fresno at 7:am on a Saturday morning putting up "missing child" posters.  It wasn't The Church who said, "I believe in you" or "I forgive you" - it was those people - the very same who need God.  They weren't afraid to get messy.  They loved my family right where we were.

So, it is with sadness that I walk away.  It's with a broken heart that I accept - finally - that I cannot be a member of your family.

I don't know what else I could've done.  I wasn't good enough to be shown grace and my family wasn't good enough to be part of your club.  I'll say it again - you missed out on being part of the miracle of restoration and you've missed the miracle that is my children.

What could I have changed?  I was always honest, authentic, faithful, and dedicated to keeping my word.   I'm a good mom, a loving wife, and a loyal-to-a-fault friend.  I would NEVER have said the things I was accused of saying and I'll never understand all that was at play against me.  I loved serving the body. This has been a long, ugly chapter in our family, and I still don't know why it all had to happen.

All I know is....I've always loved you.

Question

Will the pain ever end?

Facts vs. Truth

Poet Maya Angelou posted this on her Facebook page, "There's a world of difference between truth and facts.  Facts can obscure the truth."

Oh how many times we allow facts to obscure the truth.  Worse - we don't allow truth to shine through the facts!  Tragic.

I accept the fact that the truth of our family experience will never be accepted by those whose pride won't allow them to see past the facts they think they know.  The minds of those people were long ago made up, but I continue to pray that others will see our life as a cautionary tale and will do better.

As a single raindrop on a quiet pond sends ripples out to all the shores, so it is with spoken words - they send out ripples that can't be taken back.

I was the director of a project.  The leader/friend that I loved so much "heard" me say about another woman on the team, "If you decide to put (that woman) in charge, I won't do that." That's a fact.  He told his assistant, who told his wife, who told (that woman), and the ripples of discontent and anger tore away at the shoreline that was my life and my reputation!

Then there's truth.

The man I so deeply loved and respected had misheard me.  What I said was, "If you decide to put (that woman) in charge, I'll need to know that."  My statement had NOTHING to do with the woman, but everything to do with the man.  He was uncomfortable with confrontation and I'd watched him dismiss other people based on gossip or hearsay.  I just didn't want that to happen to me.  I wanted to believe I was more important and more valued.

Everything I said after that was heard through the Liz-doesn't-like-(that woman) filter.  Nothing could have been further from the truth. (That woman) was a friend for whom I had respect and love.  She did, however, drop the ball on a number of occasions and as the director of the team, I was frustrated by her lack of professionalism.  That didn't change the fact that I loved her.

From that one simple misheard statement, ripples became waves, and waves became tsunamis, and the spiritual and social landscape of our life was forever changed.  I was judged, condemned, fired, and eventually forced to leave the church and all our so-called friends.  Our kids rebelled and turned to drugs.  My children have all said the downward spiral of discouragement and bad choices began with that one tiny ripple that was a misheard word.  My kids lost every friend they'd ever had and we were all so sad and alone.

The assistant has his opinions about me. (That woman) hates me to this day.  My best friend knew the truth and failed to have my back.

This happens every day.  A married woman is seen coming out of another man's home in the middle of the night.  That might be a fact, but the truth is that her husband is still inside and they've been comforting a friend.  But the "fact" is seen by the wrong person, and a lie becomes truth.

Innocent men have gone to jail because facts obscure the truth.  A couple has sex, then he doesn't call her.  She gets angry.  She accuses him of rape.  Facts support her accusation, and he's condemned.  Tragic!

We do it all the time.  We gossip and lie and manipulate and we fail to see the truth for the facts.

Maya Angelou said, "I've lived 84 years and I've learned there's a world of difference between truth and facts."  I'm so glad I've learned this truth at my "young" age.

Lovin' The Kids of Refilwe

They all wanted to touch and play with my hair.

The children of Refilwe are incredible kids. Imagine being bounced around in the foster care system, or being taken from the only parent you've ever known and left in a strange place.

Refilwe godparents have as few as two children in their home, or perhaps as many as 6 or 8 kids in their care. Every single child is fed, cared for, and loved. They are taught values and morals and that Jesus loves them and has a plan for their life.

Not only did I work in the community preschools, but I also got to work alongside the fabulous teachers in the Refilwe preschool. Those women love those little ones, and their care and education is the top priority. The kids arrive at school in the morning and they're fed a yummy breakfast. They spend their morning singing songs, reading stories, doing art projects, playing, and being loved.

After lunch they finish their studies and take a nap. Awww...the perfect afternoon.

The day before I landed in Johannesburg, another young man from Fresno had arrived. Ryan Moore immediately set about to find his place as a volunteer. Everyone has a place at Refilwe. Ryan made plans for a Saturday day camp and by the weekend, the new project was up and running.

This place gets under your skin, and it's difficult to shake its effect on one's heart and life. I know people who visited Refilwe years ago and a huge piece of their heart remains to this day in Johannesburg. 

Giana and 'Neesa

In the last couple of weeks, Giana has decided to return to Refilwe after her holiday home visit. Her financial needs are great, and your support is very much appreciated. 

Send donations to:

Northside Christian Church
Attn: Giana Stoeckel- Africa
2709 East Nees Avenue
Clovis, CA. 93611

Unimaginable Poverty

What is poverty?

The online dictionary gives this definition:  The state or condition of having little or no money, goods, or means of support; condition of being poor.

How many of you have met people who are truly poor?  I mean - NO money, NO goods, and NO means of support?  It's overwhelming to look into the eyes of an impoverished person not because of what is seen, but because of what is not seen - hope. 

Here in America we've become dependent on the government. If we're poor, we depend on food stamps, Medicare, subsidies, and giveaways. The middle-class and wealthy do the same thing - we depend on the government to take care of the poor! Here in California, public schools have continued to provide breakfast and lunch to many of the state's poorest children during the summer months. Money that could (and should) be going to actual education goes to feeding the poor (who are rich by third world measures).

What has happened to our hearts? When did we stop caring for one another, checking in on our neighbors, helping family members in crisis, and reaching out to the poor and indigent? To those who complain about the "bleeding heart liberals" and the government giveaways, let me ask you; are you doing your part?

The government in South Africa is widely corrupt. I visited a couple of the poorest communities and I traveled past many, many more and they get little or no help from the government. The poorest live in aluminum sheds that are roughly 6 feet by 6 feet square boxes. Some are slightly larger - perhaps 8 feet by 8 feet.

I saw a 2-year-old boy named MoFo who can't walk. His disability? Malnutrition! I'm so ashamed of us. People around the world are dying of completely preventable diseases like malnutrition, starvation, water-borne illnesses, and AIDS while we complain about slow internet connections, or what kind of music we should sing during our church services.

I spent a couple of days working in the community daycares. Imagine 12-15 three and four-year-olds sitting in a tiny shed to learn and eat their lunch. It's heartbreaking.

Refilwe is not just an orphanage, but it is a conduit for education and change. The South African government policy of racial segregation known as Apartheid was officially denounced in 1992, although Nelson Mandela worked tirelessly (even from prison) for many years prior to promote racial equality. Refilwe teachers work alongside the community teachers to break the cycle of education inequality and to reverse the stinkin' thinkin' that Apartheid instilled in the minds of South African blacks.

For many generations the best that South African blacks could hope for was just enough education to get a job working for the wealthy white Afrikaans. It's taken a while for some blacks to understand the importance of sending their children to school. The teachers at Refilwe work tirelessly to break the cycle of poverty, and are invested in the hope for a better life for all South Africans - black and white.

To donate to Giana and Refilwe:

Northside Christian Church

Attn: Giana Stoeckel - Africa

2709 E. Nees Ave.

Clovis, CA  93611

Putting Community Ahead of Self

Colleen, Me, Eleni,

Nomvula, and Chloe

I'm so glad that Giana has the opportunity to work side by side with Christian people who actually put Community ahead of self. I experienced it with her in Malawi, and that same kind of "others" thinking was evident at Refilwe from day one.

A friend of mine was in Swaziland last month and in one of her Facebook posts she praised the people in the village where they'd set up camp for the way they worked together as a family and team. It's as God would have it to be. I haven't experienced too much of that here in America, and I suspect it's because we simply have too much. We dump our friends without thought, knowing there are new friends right around the corner. Business owners can mistreat employees because there are dozens of people anxious for a job. On and on it goes.

We absolutely need one another here in America, but we are often just too selfish, jealous, independent, or just plain mean to acknowledge or recognize that fact. 

I've said this before, but it bears reiterating here. One of the reasons I'm drawn to Theatre is because it's a place where people from varying walks of life, differing beliefs, and a wide range of philosophies all come together and work in harmony for the good of the whole - for the purpose of doing good work. 

My friend Rhonda told me she didn't need me because she had other strong women in her life and I wasn't strong enough. After fifteen years of friendship I was now expendable. Because she didn't need me, she undermined my reputation, made assumptions about my motives and character, and was a major factor in me loosing my job, my circle of friends (I thought they were friends), and eventually being told to leave our church home.

Oh sure, there's drama among the people in Africa - they are human after all - but where the needs are the greatest, the love, acceptance, and tolerance is also the greatest.

St. Francis of Assisi said, "Preach the Gospel at all times, and when necessary use words." I see this philosophy lived out in other parts of the world, but here in America most Christians talk the talk far better than they walk the walk. That is my personal experience, so please don't accuse me of generalizing.

I was once passed over for a role in a church production. I was told that since I co-wrote the piece it wouldn't be "fair" for me to also get an acting role. I completely respected the ministry leader for his decision. 

A few days after the production cast list was posted I got a call from the woman who got the role I auditioned for. Karin told me she'd harbored bad feelings towards me and she wanted me to know that she'd been so upset with me that she'd gone forward during prayer time to deal with her anger. She said, "My husband told me they were going to give you the role in the production, but I told him that wasn't fair.  I asked for prayer and I just want you to know that I'm no longer angry with you. God is good."

What!? In one phone call I learned that I had been considered for the role but it was my friend who'd convinced the powers that be that it wouldn't be "fair", and that instead of being happy for me she was angry with me for something her husband had told her.  But, I was supposed to be grateful because she'd "prayed about it" and now it was all good. Everything about that exchange was in direct opposition to what Jesus taught us about relationship, conflict, and resolution. I was broken, but she was spiritually cleansed. Ugh.

The same kind of thing happened a few years ago on the last night of my first trip to Africa. We'd had a GREAT three weeks of relationship building with some of the most needy yet happiest people I'd ever met. Daniel was a student leader on our team and he asked to talk to me.

Daniel:  Liz, can I talk to you?

Me:  Sure, come on in.

Daniel:  During our study time tonight, God revealed to me that I've had anger in my heart toward you, and I need to confess it and make it right.

Me:  Oh Daniel, I'm so sorry. What did I do to make you angry?

Daniel:  Nothing. You just bug me. God showed me that I needed to tell you I wasn't mad at you anymore. Bless you Liz.

I was left sitting in the middle of the room - devastated. He manipulated scripture to show his spiritual pride, while at the same time crushing me. There are a number of scriptures that teach conflict resolution, but not liking someone is a personal conflict, and should've been handled personally. 

I've seen this again and again and again. Christians use the Bible as a weapon to kill and destroy those that get in their way, "bug" them, or who have specks in their eye, while all the time failing to see the plank in their own eye.

1 Corinthians 13 is widely known as "The Love Chapter" and its words are often recited at weddings.  Let's all say it together, "Love is patient; Love is kind; Love does not envy or boast..." yada yada.  That particular chapter of the Bible is actually an admonition. The Corinthian Church had become proud and they considered themselves better than everyone else.  Not only did they note all the specks in everyone else's eye while ignoring the planks in their own eyes, but they didn't want the old speck-eyes anywhere near the country club they called "church".  

That kind of Corinthian mentality is all too common in today's Church. Again - this is my personal experience. The Christian Church is growing in other parts of the world, while attendance and membership is plummeting here in America. I believe it's because we have so much and we do not recognize our need for one another. We've become selfish, independent, finger-pointing elitists.

Is it any wonder I want to go back to Africa where the need is great, and the love is greater? Again, I'm so very grateful that Giana has the opportunity to work alongside Christians who put community ahead of self.

Mikey Cleave - Refilwe Volunteer.  Love!

South Africa - The First Days

A couple of volunteers live in that building. This is the view looking left from Giana's porch.

When I arrived in South Africa on Monday morning I was ready to go to work. That's what I was there for, after all.  Giana insisted I just relax a bit and get the lay of the land.

Refilwe is an amazing place. What images come to mind when I say the word, "orphanage"?  You probably see rows of cribs filled with babies and toddlers with severely overworked nurses and nannies watching over the little ones.  We've all seen those images on the evening news or the tear-jerking television specials. I had an up close and personal experience with just such a place when I was in Malawi, Africa a few years ago.

Refilwe is different.  Refilwe Community Project began in 1991 and has grown from a small healthcare clinic to a 40+ acre facility housing a school, community center, community garden, homes for abandoned children, and more.

The purpose of this beautiful place is to give orphaned or at-risk children a real home, complete with siblings, parents, education, and a yard to play in. Foster-parents (known as "godparents") live on the property and children are placed in their homes. The godparents commit to caring for and raising the children until they're grown - thus insuring they don't get passed around from facility to facility. It's a fabulous environment.

Giana has been there since August 2011 and has worked in the daycare, the office, the kitchen, and teaches a couple of tap dance classes each week. She also nannies and helps with after-school homework.

It's winter in South Africa right now, and it was cold when I arrived.  The daytime temps were actually comfortable - especially considering the 110 degrees I left behind in California. The nights were freezing.  I slept great that first night in Giana's cozy home and then was thrilled to wake up to icicles on the plants, and ice on the small lake and lawn.  It was a perfect morning.

Icicles!

I spent that first Tuesday working with other volunteers to empty rooms in the baby house so that prep for painting could begin.  Refilwe will be working with another organization near Johannesburg called, "Door of Hope", which takes in newborns and small babies and cares for them until they can find god-parents for the child. The beautiful, large house on the Refilwe property is in much need of repair and love, but it will eventually serve as home for abandoned babies until they can be placed with families.

The work was hard, but so satisfying and rewarding. I love hard work and manual labor and it's even better when you're laughing, sharing, and working alongside people with the same heart and goal.

Before

After. Hey, who puts a light fixture in the middle of a wall?  Hmmm...

WANT TO DONATE TO GIANA and REFILWE?

Northside Christian Church

Attn:  Giana Stoeckel-Africa

2709 E. Nees Ave.

Clovis, CA  93611