The Long Ugly Goodbye

It is with a heavy heart that I must (once again) walk away from the church I chose - I CHOSE - to attend.  It wasn't my decision to leave 14 years ago, and I wish I didn't have to go now. 

I've written A LOT about the circumstances surrounding us leaving the church the first time, and about how that event changed the spiritual landscape of my family forever.  I always believed that one day there would be - surely there had to be - restoration and reconciliation.   I returned after 11 years, believing the time had come.

I was wrong.

Lest you judge me, please know that I've done everything to reconcile according to scripture.  I went to my offender one on one, then I took someone with me, and then I went to the leadership to help with the restoration process, but all to no avail.

Some people have told me I still haven't forgiven.  Not only have I forgiven, but I go home nearly every Sunday and have to go through the phases and steps that result in forgiveness all over again because of new offenses.  It's exhausting, demoralizing, heartbreaking - and completely unnecessary.  I've given it three years this time around.

I'm a good person.  It's ironic that I have been, and continue to be, highly respected, loved, admired, and embraced in my "secular" life.  I have a great reputation as a teacher, an actor, and a director.  My gifts and talents are recognized, my strengths are celebrated, and my weaknesses are made less weak because of the strong support of my unchurched friends.  The people with whom I work know me as a woman of integrity and heart.

I, however, am NOT embraced by the church (note the little "c") that I attend.  I've never been forgiven for accused offenses - misunderstood words that resulted in false assumptions.  And why do I care?  Because those I attend church with are the very same people who will be my neighbors for eternity in Heaven.  It'd be good to be reconciled here on earth first!

I returned to the church three years ago, believing that time had healed.  Since I've been back, I've been shunned, walked away from, told I could NOT serve, ignored, refused, and even denied communion!  One woman told me my children "deserved" to be kicked out of church and that I should give up on them as they "made their decision a long time ago".  I told her she missed out on having front row seats to miracles and that I felt sorry for her.

Yes, there are wonderful and loving people, but I do NOT deserve to be mistreated by the few.  I deserve to be seen for who I really am.  Even if the accusations of years ago were true, I deserve grace.  I'm a child of God.

I sincerely believed that I was back in the right place at the right time for the right reasons when I learned you - the church - would be reaching out to a community I love and have worked with for many years.  I adore the people that are The Tower District - the men and women, the vibe....the truth.

I ask you, dear church, to see The Tower population as I do.  Please don't run in with your sword and shield with the intention of changing them.  I ask that you spend time getting to know them, and allowing them to teach YOU.  Let them show you unconditional love, acceptance, authenticity, and art.  So many of the people down there are not only unchurched, but many have been de-churched.  They've been wounded by those they once trusted. They're not going to respond to being told they're bad.  They'll respond to a new kind of love - one they've never known before.

John 13:35 reminds us that the unbelievers will know we are Christians by our love for one another.  We need to be so accepting, loving, and warm toward our own body that the world is drawn to us, not repelled by us.  We can't win them over until we accept, love, support, and show grace toward one another.

It wasn't The Church (with a big "C") who held me in their arms and let me cry when my drug-addicted child was missing.  It wasn't The Church who walked the streets of Fresno at 7:am on a Saturday morning putting up "missing child" posters.  It wasn't The Church who said, "I believe in you" or "I forgive you" - it was those people - the very same who need God.  They weren't afraid to get messy.  They loved my family right where we were.

So, it is with sadness that I walk away.  It's with a broken heart that I accept - finally - that I cannot be a member of your family.

I don't know what else I could've done.  I wasn't good enough to be shown grace and my family wasn't good enough to be part of your club.  I'll say it again - you missed out on being part of the miracle of restoration and you've missed the miracle that is my children.

What could I have changed?  I was always honest, authentic, faithful, and dedicated to keeping my word.   I'm a good mom, a loving wife, and a loyal-to-a-fault friend.  I would NEVER have said the things I was accused of saying and I'll never understand all that was at play against me.  I loved serving the body. This has been a long, ugly chapter in our family, and I still don't know why it all had to happen.

All I know is....I've always loved you.

Lessons From Dorothy

Someone told me this past weekend that I reminded them of Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. Like the little girl with the ruby slippers, a tornado ripped through our life, picked up our little family, and dropped us smack-dab in the middle of unfamiliar territory. Unlike the destructive Kansas storm, our tornado was not an act of nature, but rather was human caused.

Dorothy wasn't always comfortable on her yellow brick road, and many times she was afraid. But in the end, she learned valuable lessons and was grateful for the experience.

I want to say that I will forever appreciate the lessons I learned and the new friendships I forged during the oft-difficult journey. That, however, doesn't change the fact that our tornado was spawned by careless and thoughtless human beings. Our story is a cautionary tale to be sure.

I've watched as news of the Pennsylvania Sate sex scandal has dominated the news for the past few months. So many people - innocent people - have been caught up in the wake left by the evil actions (allegedly) of one sick man. My heart aches for the victims, their families, other coaches, students, and unsuspecting fans. I'm reminded, once again, that as we travel through life, we are like vessels on the sea. We leave behind wakes and waves that affect everyone with whom we share the journey.

Our devastating tornado hit when three people - three so-called friends - made assumptions, told lies, and stole the reputation I'd worked hard to build. I have no idea what motivates people to gossip and lie with the purpose of undermining another person. I do know, however, that psychologists will tell you that when they see this behavior, it most often stems from jealousies, insecurities, or just plain vengeance.

Our children were 11, 12, and 14 when we were literally kicked out of the church in which they'd been dedicated and raised. We'd made the decision to attend the same church as Tom's family so our children could be surrounded by aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, and an untold number of extended family members. They loved Sunday School, kids choir, and the many and varied mid-week activities. I worked at the church, volunteered in a number of areas, and used my gifts and talents to begin a ministry through which I shared my heart.

And then the tornado hit.

I was accused of saying things I never said and doing things I never did. The fact I worked for the theatre was particularly frowned upon. Then, my 14 year old son was "too hard" for the Junior High pastor to deal with. I was told to take my family and leave the church we loved.

"It's time your family goes."

The world as we knew it changed. A tornado ripped it apart, and we were caught up in the wake left by actions, deeds, and the bad choices of others.

Even if the accusations were true, where was the grace and forgiveness that Christians preach about? Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. But extend that same grace to another wretch? No way!

All my children knew was that they were no longer allowed to see any of their church friends. I tried to be strong, but overnight I lost every single friend with whom I'd shared fourteen years! The security of relationship was gone and I was dropped in the middle of an unfamiliar world.

Our church wasn't just a building with a threshold we crossed once or twice a week, it was our family, our support, our friends….a place called home. I cried every day for a whole year. It would be three years before I could drive by the church without crying.

I would never have betrayed my friends as they betrayed me. I don't think they'll ever understand the grave impact they had on my family.

Is it any wonder our children made the choice to walk away from church, from Christianity, and from God? Like me, our kids were left with empty holes and deep sadness. For a time they used drugs to fill those empty places. Why would they look to God or church when it was God's people - The Church - that caused excruciating pain?

I looked for forgiveness and grace from the people I'd been raised to believe would be the first to extend it, but I didn't find it there. I did find it, however, in the most unexpected of places.

I found unconditional love when it was showered on my daughter by the rehab counselors - most of whom belonged to a religious sect I'd been taught to fear. If I was Dorothy, then they were the lion that turned out to be our healer and protector. We found grace in the person of a tough parole officer who was a tin man with a heart of compassion. Parents of prodigals are like scarecrows - we stand watch over our children, but are sometimes unable to scare away the dark forces that come pecking away at their very souls. We are smart enough to know we can't do it on our own, and I'm blessed to now be surrounded by amazingly wise scarecrow parents.

Yes, I guess I'm a bit like Dorothy. I woke up in a scary strange land surrounded by people whose words and ways I didn't understand. I was initially alone in the dark place, but along the road I met people who showed me the way and who dared to walk with me. When the yellow brick road brought Tom and I back home, we found that no one else would ever really know what we'd seen or what we'd been through. Not even Uncle Henry or Auntie Em. There's no way we'll ever find the words to help them understand.

I know the advantages of moving forward and never looking back, but I implore you to stop occasionally, look behind you, and take note of all you're leaving in your wake. Are you leaving paths of peace, love, and comfort, or are you cutting deep swaths of drama, gossip fueled angst, hurt feelings, broken hearts, wounded trust, physical pain, or destroyed reputations?

Please, please take a moment to reflect back - back on the lives you've touched. Are people better for having known you? Are friends and strangers stronger, healthier, happier, and braver because of the moments, hours, days, or years they spent sharing life with you?

Are there people like us in your past - human beings you could've been kinder to, shown grace and compassion for, or perhaps could've stopped to help now and again? Did your gossip - no matter how true you thought your words might have been - cause someone else to judge a person harshly without benefit of the whole picture?

Please take a moment to look back. It's never too late to help clean up from a tornado you might have spawned. It's never to late to say, I'm sorry, Please forgive me, or I was wrong. Learn from our long and painful journey. We are a cautionary tale from which I pray others learn lessons about grace, compassion, and forgiveness.

I'll take a moment to look back.

No Surprises Here...More on Reconciliation

I don’t know why judgmental piety continues to shock me, but it does. If you’re not a Christ-follower, than this post will be of little interest to you. I do want my unbelieving friends to know that I admire and appreciate your honest authenticity!

I’m ashamed of the way we Christians sometimes treat one another, and it’s time we take ownership. Whether I express my frustration in a small group, or on a social networking site, the religious extremists always slap me down.

The latest came after hearing a sermon a couple of weeks ago. I have sought reconciliation with a handful of church leaders several times. I’m not sure why I keep going back in hopes of building bridges. I mean, they’ve made it clear that reconciliation is NOT on their to-do list, but I’m a romantic optimist (and I keep thinking the leaders will do the right thing).

So, after hearing the convicting message about anger, forgiveness, and reconciliation, I posted the following as my status update: “Hey church leaders. How can you hear a sermon like that and not be motivated to reconcile?”

Several people shared their own personal stories of disappointment and frustration, but one person said, “How sad that some people can’t forgive.” That is absolutely a true statement, but what does it have to do with my observations

Look, both statements are accurate and factual. We are commanded to forgive AND reconcile! Not either/or, but both are necessary to build a healthy body, a flourishing church, and robust spiritual health.

I guess I’m not sure why my friend decided to respond to my comment with her mention of forgiveness. Was she passing judgment on me—suggesting that I hadn’t forgiven? I forgave the gossip, lies, and cruelties exacted on my family and me years ago, and then I was convicted to seek reconciliation. I’ve written before about how restoration was denied me, however, because I work for the theatre.

The importance of reconciliation is expressed all throughout the New Testament. Matthew 5:24 admonishes us to not even offer our gifts to God until we have been reconciled with those from whom we are estranged. The verse says, “First go and be reconciled with them; then come and offer your gift.” GO…and be reconciled. How much clearer can it be?

So, before we sing in the choir, sit with the babies in the nursery, greet at the doors, or put a penny in the offering bag, we are to go and be reconciled. Yes, we are also to forgive, be kind, love one another, be generous and peaceful, etc…

I have many non-Christian friends, and I love them dearly! I’ve learned more about what it means to be of good character from them than from so-called believers. They do right by people just because doin’ right is…well…right.

I’ve seen un-churched friends leave work early so they could go see someone they argued with and be reconciled with them. They don’t have an angel sitting on their shoulder to prompt them to make the good and honorable choice, but they do it because the relationship means that much to them.

Christians pray for forgiveness, and then think that act excuses them from doing the virtuous thing. Yes, that’s a general statement, and it certainly doesn’t apply to all believers, but it’s far more common than I’m proud to admit!

Maybe if we weren’t so sure we’d be forgiven for every little thing, we’d be more careful of what exactly those little things were!

Look, I’ve reached out and sought agreement and mutual understanding from Christians, and I’ve heard every excuse as to why it can’t be. But those justifications have NO Biblical foundation. So let me sum up…we Christ-followers are called to forgive AND reconcile. It’s simple and clear.

When Did We Become So Unforgiving?

When did we decide that our fellow human beings do NOT deserve a second chance? Heck, I believe there are times when a third, or fourth chance is needed. Humans eat, breath, hurt, laugh, feel, and (hold on to your hats here) MAKE MISTAKES! Being imperfect is the human condition. I talked with a mom yesterday who told me that her 20-something year old son is looking for employment. Actually, he’s been job-hunting for many, many months. Several years ago he got into trouble. He went to jail, served his time, and has not been in trouble since. However, when a potential employer pulled up the young man’s past record, he was told that he is “un-hirable”. Are you kidding me?

A situation involving five outstanding students in a local school district has been the dominating story for the past week or so. It seems these young men pulled a “prank” and they cut down two trees on the high school campus. The high school seniors were suspended, and then sent to a continuation school. A judge ruled that they should be allowed back on campus, but when they returned to school, the district refused to welcome them back. They have taken their case to court. Apparently, restitution and remorse is just not enough! Mistakes will not be tolerated.

I see this unforgiving attitude all around me and in every walk of life. Oh, there is one exception – the famous! The famous are forgiven mistakes, missteps, misspeaks, misleadings, and misguided thinking. It seems sometimes that the famous and infamous get off scot-free for seriously egregious transgressions – rape, murder, child molestations, and other sexual crimes. Names like, R Kelly, Michael Jackson, Jerry Lee Lewis, and Pee-Wee Herman come to mind.

A few months ago, the local Television news, talk shows, and newspapers covered a situation that demanded our attention. It seems that a group of homeless sex offenders were plugging their rechargeable tracking monitors in at a lighted downtown historical building. These men are homeless because of the myriad of restrictive laws that keep them from living near a park, school, or other gathering place for children. Mind you, they can get close to these places during the day, but they just can’t SLEEP near these spots. (Don’t get me started!) Of course, our city leaders spoke out against the paroled homeless men. These guys are doing their very best to comply with the law by keeping their GPS monitors charged at all times. They COULD cut the monitors off and go on the run. They COULD allow the batteries to die and hide out until they get caught. They COULD commit some small crime so they could go back to jail where they’d have a bed and three square meals a day. But they are doing the best they can under the circumstances. They are complying. Bear in mind that the vast majority of these men are NOT child molesters, but rather they are young men who had consensual sex with their under-age girlfriend, a guy who peed in public, someone who received a sexual picture on their cell phone, or someone who made a bad call while under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

Here’s the kicker in the whole question about whether or not we should allow sex offenders to charge their monitors at our downtown monument - our local police chief is himself a man with a checkered past. Some of his early indiscretions were made public when he became the police chief. He got into some trouble and was arrested a time or two. When he was 27 he was involved with an underage girl. The only reason he is not a registered sex offender today, is that the laws were different then! Our beloved police chief was given the opportunity to be a better man. If he had committed his crimes today, he would never have been able to become a police officer, let alone the admired and respected police chief that he is today!

Human beings make mistakes. Human beings DESERVE the chance to reform and to contribute something positive to our community and to our world. Some of the most beloved contributors have overcome obstacles, bad choices, addictions, and challenges. I think of Johnny Cash, Drew Barrymore, Abraham Lincoln, Steven Spielberg, and Thomas Edison, just to name a few. As a Christ-follower I look at over-comers like, Paul, David, Moses, Hosea’s wife, Noah, Jacob, Jesus, and more.

You deserve a second chance – everyone does! Look around. Reach out to a brother or sister who needs a hand up. Believe in someone today. It may make all the difference in both your lives!