The "Daddy" Place

Christian music artist, Plumb sings, “There’s a God shaped hole in all of us, and the restless soul is searching.” An Agnostic friend of mine thinks that’s the most ridiculous lyric he’s ever heard, but that’s not the point of this post.

There IS a “daddy” place in each and every one of us, and people without a daddy struggle to fill that hole.

It’s not only little kids that suffer loss when a father walks out, or dies prematurely. I have an adult friend whose heart was broken by her daddy’s selfishness. I myself have a mentor who was like a surrogate daddy to me. I’d give anything to hear that Music Minister say, “I’m sorry. I believe you. Come home.” Ugh…

Tom has been an incredible dad to all three of our kids. I’m a blessed mom. Dallas, however, still had an empty place left by the father that walked out on him when he was barely seven months old.

I was shocked to see Dallas grieve for his absent father over the years. He was so young when the marriage ended. When he learned to say “da da”, he said it to Tom. He didn’t even remember Terry. How could there be a “daddy” hole in my son?

I sometimes wished I’d never told him about the sperm donor to whom I was once married. I knew, however, that truth was always the best policy. Who would’ve guessed the Internet would explode the way it did, and Dallas’s dad would contact him via a social media site called MySpace one day? Crazy.

I’ve written before about the fact that my ex-husband was absent from our lives for 23 years. The door, however, was ALWAYS open to him. I maintained contact with Dallas’s uncle and the grandparents, as I knew it was the good and healthy thing to do for everyone. Besides, I truly love my ex-husband’s family and they are great people.

Terry always knew where we lived and how to get in touch with Dallas. Again, the door was ALWAYS open. It was not easy for Tom to share his son with a phantom father who had abused me—his wife!

When Terry contacted Dallas three years ago I blogged, “We’ll see.” I’d prayed for my son’s bio-dad for 22 ½ years, and I asked God to let Terry live long enough to see his son grow into a man. I prayed for healing of hearts and addictions.

Tom and I walked with our oldest son through crazy challenges, including drug addiction, arrests, prison, rehab, joblessness, and sobriety. We would do it all again.

Dallas spoke to his bio-dad briefly back in 2008. Sadly, Terry immediately told him lies, and that angered my son. A few months later my ex apologized to me for “betraying the vows of our marriage”, and thanked me for never giving up on Dallas. He told me I was a good mom. I took him at his word.

When I asked about Jodee, Terry denied fathering the little girl I knew was his.

Shortly after Dallas spoke with his bio-dad, I began getting notices from Fresno County Family Support. I’d never received a dime of child support—presumably because Terry had never worked at a job long enough to be caught. Now, however, he seemed to be settled and the government tracked him down.

Fresno County was receiving all the collected monies, and I didn’t get a penny. Finally, after about a year of this, I contacted them to inquire as to whether or not I was entitled to any of the collected money. Turns out, the case was so old that they’d kept track of what was owed to the County, but lost track of what was owed to me.

Family Support quickly corrected their error, and I (thinking Terry was new and improved) expected my ex to do the right thing. He went ballistic!

He wrote me a terrible letter in which he accused me of all kinds of bad. He called me a liar and told me I’d hidden Dallas from him, and “poisoned our son” with my lies. I know what Tom and I did and the extremes we went to in order to keep doors open. I don’t have to defend myself. My son knows the truth because he lived it.

That inflammatory letter was the push I needed to renew contact with Dallas’s little sister and her family. I’m so grateful I did!

California Pretty

I told you all in the previous post about the trip Dallas and I took to Memphis, TN last month. Dallas was able to sit and chat with his Grandpa Wayne just hours before Grandpa passed away. It was a precious time.

When we arrived at the nursing home that night, Dallas’s uncle Tim was there to greet us. My ex-brother-in-law is one of the kindest men I know. He was 19 or 20 years old when I married his brother, Terry in 1982. Tim has a quiet, sweet nature, and when we first met he made me laugh. We always got along great, and I’m proud that Dallas gets to call him “Uncle”.

My ex-husband had apparently been to the hospital often to see his dad. I say “apparently” because the staff seemed to know who Terry was, but he rarely (if ever) visited his dad when the rest of the family was around. Wayne’s wife Sue hadn’t seen Terry in 15 years.

While we were all visiting in Grandpa’s room, a bubbly nurse came in and happily greeted “Mr. Clay” and the whole family. Terry’s stepsister, Tammy pointed at Dallas and said, “Do you know who this is?” She looked at my son and she knew immediately who he was.

“You’re that hot man’s boy. Oooo, you’re daddy’s hot.”

The Memphis family hadn’t seen Dallas Wayne in 13 years, and everyone was blown away by how very much he resembles the birth father he never knew. We all laughed at the nurse’s correct assessment of just how my son was connected to the family.

She looked at me. “His daddy’s hot.”

I said, “You don’t have to tell me. I’m the mama.”

“You’re the mama. Oooo girl, I thought you were the girlfriend!” She crossed the room to deliver a high-five. “Where ya’ll from?”

“California.”

“Oooo”, she squealed, “I’ve got to get out to California and get me some of that California pretty.”

Her enthusiasm was absolutely contagious—and her compliment was nice too.

The whole exchange got me thinking; do people know when they look at me that I’m God’s kid? Do they see the family resemblance?

Ooooo, I’ve got to me in The Word and get me some of that Jesus pretty.

Things I've Learned From The Prodigal Son

1. Sometimes we will give our kids resources with which they will make mistakes.

Luke 15:11-13 - Jesus continued: "There was a man who had two sons. The younger one said to his father, 'Father, give me my share of the estate.' So he divided his property between them. "Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living.

2. Don't hold your child's bad choices against him/her.

When the son returned home, his father did not ask him where he'd been or what he'd done. He simply hugged him, kissed him, and began preparing a welcome home meal.

Luke 15:20-24 - So he got up and went to his father. "But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son'. But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.

3. You don't have to know all the details of their sins.

There's no doubt that when they come home, it is tempting to ask them to spill the details of their missteps, but that's not what they need to do. They'll tell you what they want you to know, and in their own time.

Luke 15:27 - 'Your brother has come,' he replied, 'and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.'

4. Understand that the other children will have issues with the prodigal and you might not be able to change that. The siblings might very well make some assumptions about what was in the heart of the prodigal. This is their issue...not yours.

Luke 15:28-30 - "The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'

5. Defend your child and affirm his/her commitment to change.

The father was talking with the other brother and he said (effectively), "Look, you have always been here with me, but your brother has not been so smart. He's a part of the family, and we are going to welcome him home.

Luke 15:31-32 - " 'My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' "

E Ticket Ride

So, one of the perks of having a family member working at Disneyland is getting into the park for free. Of course, Drew quit working there before we got to take advantage of that perk (kids are so selfish ☺ ). Anyway, even though he no longer works at the happiest place on Earth, Drew was still able to score a couple of park-hopper passes and he offered them to Tom and I. The Park Hopper Pass includes admission to Disneyland AND California Adventure. Friday night we headed down to L.A. and 6 ½ bumper-to-bumper hours later we arrived at The Hilton Hotel in Anaheim. Saturday morning we hooked up with Drew and we were excited about spending the entire day at the parks. We’d never been to California Adventure before and since this is my birthday weekend, this was a great gift.

Drew was supposed to meet us at 10:am, but it takes forever and a day to park and shuttle your way to the front gate, so it was closer to 11 by the time he got to us. That’s okay…we had the whole day. We decided to get in line for the Indiana Jones ride and even though the predicted wait time was 50 minutes, we were strapped to the jeep about 40 minutes after getting in line. While waiting in line Tom started feeling dizzy and was suffering from a bad case of vertigo. When the ride was over I realized he was sweating profusely and Drew and I became concerned. I called Tom’s step-mom who is a nurse practitioner, but when she didn’t answer I called Tom’s aunt who’s a nurse. She wanted him to head to the first aid station right away. Tom had a difficult time walking because of the vertigo so he had to hold on to Drew and me and we supported him.

The happiest place on Earth employees the happiest nurses on Earth and everyone agreed Tom should rest for a bit. Since Tom had had a few bouts of vertigo over the past several weeks, I had packed some medicine for the trip, but it was (of course) back at the hotel. Drew and I decided to walk back to the Hilton to get the medicine and get it back to Tom. Drew thought he knew a shortcut back to the hotel….he was wrong. What should have been a 15 minute walk turned into a 30 or 40 minute tour of all things Disney.

After getting the medicine back to Tom, Drew and I checked out a filmed historical retrospect of Disneyland starring Steve Martin and Donald Duck. We then checked out the 3D show, “Honey, I Shrunk The Audience”. Both movies were way fun! When we went back to First Aid to check on Tom we found that during the 2-½ hours he’d been resting his symptoms had not subsided and his blood pressure was higher. So, after getting a hold of and conferring with Tom’s step-mom, dad, and the happy nurses, all agreed Tom should be transported by ambulance to the hospital. Well, it’s always fun to ride something new at Disneyland and Tom had never ridden in an ambulance before ☺

I rode shotgun in the ambulance and chatted with the young paramedic about his job and his mishaps as a child. He apparently dropped a brick on his own head and set himself on fire when he was about 3. We hung out in the hallway of the emergency room (two paramedics, myself, and Tom who was strapped to the gurney) for a thankfully short time and then went into triage. It was determined that Tom should undergo a few tests to rule out heart attack or stroke.

After being visited by several more happy nurses and a doctor or two the worse case scenarios were ruled out, so I went to find Drew. Since only one of us at a time were allowed in the emergency room, Drew went in and I hung out in the waiting room. About 20 minutes later Drew came out to tell me they had a diagnosis. Basically, Tom had a blockage in his inner ear that had broken free and was causing an upset in the balance of fluids – which was causing the vertigo. The high blood pressure is still of some concern so Tom will have to keep an eye on that. Since Tom was okay, Drew went to work across the street at Virgin Records and I went back in to await his release.

About this time, victims from a car accident were bought into the trauma room and the staff left us to deal with the more pressing problems. Tom was eventually released and we made our way out to the waiting room to find that it was now dark outside. Disney has a system down and they handled everything beautifully. They sent a car for us, and within 20 minutes of Tom’s release we were being driven by Disney security back to the park – with instructions to stay OFF the rides. So…we grabbed something to eat (we were both starving), spent an hour walking around California Adventure (we had to at least see it) where we were treated to an interview with “Crush” the Turtle.

We were only in California Adventure for about an hour before the park closed and then we walked back over to Disneyland in time to watch the fireworks. Since we figured most of the guests were on Main Street watching the fireworks we would try to get on the revamped Submarine ride – now featuring “Finding Nemo” (that seemed like a tame enough ride for Tom). Well, the line to get on the ride was bout 6 miles long! So, we got on “Pirates of The Caribbean” which has been updated and now includes lines from the movies and several life-like and very creepy Johnny Depp likenesses!

Tom was exhausted at this point as the medicine he had been given was doin’ it’s thing. So, we walked back to the Hilton. All in all it was an ‘E’ ticket day ☺

By the way…Disney gave us three passes to use at Disneyland another time. Yay! So, we won’t be able to get into California Adventure for free next time around, but we’ll definitely get back to the main park sometime before 2008 ends.

Real life vs. Fiction

Have you ever felt like you were watching your life on a giant movie screen from a spectator seat located high up in the nosebleed section of the world somewhere? When I think back on some of the chapters in my life it feels as if those things didn't really happen to me, but rather they happened to a character in a Danielle Steel novel I'd once read. When I was nineteen I moved to Memphis, Tennessee. One month before I turned 21 I married a man I'd met just six weeks earlier! Not a terribly smart move.

I was married to that man for 2 1/2 very tumultuous and surreal years. The challenges I faced during those thirty months could give Danielle Steel enough material for six novels! He was addicted to cocaine and as a result I survived financial battles, scary encounters with scary people, physical, mental, and emotional abuse, and even spiritual oppression. There were definitely bright moments of hope, however, the brightest of which was the birth of my first child.

The first few months after our son was born were happy and I had hoped the addictions and fights were behind us. But, the drug abuse continued and when our baby was seven months old his father left our apartment and I never saw him again. If it wasn't for the joys and struggles of raising my son, I might have forgotten that the marriage had ever happened at all. After all I went on to marry again, have two move children, and live a new life!

A couple of days ago my son, now 23, received a message on his MySpace page that came from his birth father. This, for me, is a reminder that my story was not one I'd read about in a dusty old novel, but rather was one I'd actually lived. It's been 22 1/2 years since the day he walked out of our apartment and I can't possibly know how time has changed the man who was once my husband. I pray for my son's sake that he is a better man since the last thing my son needs now is any kind of negative influence in his life.

So...a new chapter has begun. Stay tuned Danielle Steel fans :)

Another First

There's nothing like the feeling of a "first". There many firsts in life - the first day of school, first kiss, first new home, the birth of the first child.

Some firsts are not nearly as pleasant - the first breakup, the first major illness, the first visit to a dentist. I've survived my first car accident, my first surgery, my first trip in an ambulance, and my first house fire. Last week I experienced another "first".

Last week I traveled to the bustling metropolis of Wasco, California. I ventured out to this small dot of a town just Northwest of Bakersfield for the very same reason most people "visit" Wasco - to see a loved one who is incarcerated in Wasco State Prison. The first thing you notice as you turn left off of Highway 46 onto the prison property is how very familiar everything looks. Not the same kind of familiarity one has with a place they've been before, but rather it is seeing for the first time something up close and personal that you've only seen in films or television dramas. Yes, prisons really are surrounded by tall fences topped with rolled barbed wire. Yes, there really are tall towers standing in the center and on all four corners of the prison yard from which armed officers keep an eagle eye out for the first hint of trouble.

I had received a list of clothing items I COULD NOT wear onto the prison grounds and I went through three or four outfits at home before feeling confident that I wouldn't be denied a visit because of a clothing infraction. I couldn't wear anything that was made of denim and I couldn't wear any shade of blue. If I wore a skirt it had to be a certain length and could not have a slit. I couldn't wear a bra that contained any form of under wire or any metal at all. Upon entering the prison I could keep with me just two keys, my ID, and $30 in one dollar bills and/or quarters only.

My visit lasted just one hour and just like in the County Jail, there was a piece of glass between me and my son. I sat in the booth that had been assigned me and looked into the handsome young face of my 21-year old son....a felon. From the moment he was born I called my son, "Angel Face" and when I looked into his sad yet courageous blue eyes, I saw my baby.

Another first.