The Long Ugly Goodbye

It is with a heavy heart that I must (once again) walk away from the church I chose - I CHOSE - to attend.  It wasn't my decision to leave 14 years ago, and I wish I didn't have to go now. 

I've written A LOT about the circumstances surrounding us leaving the church the first time, and about how that event changed the spiritual landscape of my family forever.  I always believed that one day there would be - surely there had to be - restoration and reconciliation.   I returned after 11 years, believing the time had come.

I was wrong.

Lest you judge me, please know that I've done everything to reconcile according to scripture.  I went to my offender one on one, then I took someone with me, and then I went to the leadership to help with the restoration process, but all to no avail.

Some people have told me I still haven't forgiven.  Not only have I forgiven, but I go home nearly every Sunday and have to go through the phases and steps that result in forgiveness all over again because of new offenses.  It's exhausting, demoralizing, heartbreaking - and completely unnecessary.  I've given it three years this time around.

I'm a good person.  It's ironic that I have been, and continue to be, highly respected, loved, admired, and embraced in my "secular" life.  I have a great reputation as a teacher, an actor, and a director.  My gifts and talents are recognized, my strengths are celebrated, and my weaknesses are made less weak because of the strong support of my unchurched friends.  The people with whom I work know me as a woman of integrity and heart.

I, however, am NOT embraced by the church (note the little "c") that I attend.  I've never been forgiven for accused offenses - misunderstood words that resulted in false assumptions.  And why do I care?  Because those I attend church with are the very same people who will be my neighbors for eternity in Heaven.  It'd be good to be reconciled here on earth first!

I returned to the church three years ago, believing that time had healed.  Since I've been back, I've been shunned, walked away from, told I could NOT serve, ignored, refused, and even denied communion!  One woman told me my children "deserved" to be kicked out of church and that I should give up on them as they "made their decision a long time ago".  I told her she missed out on having front row seats to miracles and that I felt sorry for her.

Yes, there are wonderful and loving people, but I do NOT deserve to be mistreated by the few.  I deserve to be seen for who I really am.  Even if the accusations of years ago were true, I deserve grace.  I'm a child of God.

I sincerely believed that I was back in the right place at the right time for the right reasons when I learned you - the church - would be reaching out to a community I love and have worked with for many years.  I adore the people that are The Tower District - the men and women, the vibe....the truth.

I ask you, dear church, to see The Tower population as I do.  Please don't run in with your sword and shield with the intention of changing them.  I ask that you spend time getting to know them, and allowing them to teach YOU.  Let them show you unconditional love, acceptance, authenticity, and art.  So many of the people down there are not only unchurched, but many have been de-churched.  They've been wounded by those they once trusted. They're not going to respond to being told they're bad.  They'll respond to a new kind of love - one they've never known before.

John 13:35 reminds us that the unbelievers will know we are Christians by our love for one another.  We need to be so accepting, loving, and warm toward our own body that the world is drawn to us, not repelled by us.  We can't win them over until we accept, love, support, and show grace toward one another.

It wasn't The Church (with a big "C") who held me in their arms and let me cry when my drug-addicted child was missing.  It wasn't The Church who walked the streets of Fresno at 7:am on a Saturday morning putting up "missing child" posters.  It wasn't The Church who said, "I believe in you" or "I forgive you" - it was those people - the very same who need God.  They weren't afraid to get messy.  They loved my family right where we were.

So, it is with sadness that I walk away.  It's with a broken heart that I accept - finally - that I cannot be a member of your family.

I don't know what else I could've done.  I wasn't good enough to be shown grace and my family wasn't good enough to be part of your club.  I'll say it again - you missed out on being part of the miracle of restoration and you've missed the miracle that is my children.

What could I have changed?  I was always honest, authentic, faithful, and dedicated to keeping my word.   I'm a good mom, a loving wife, and a loyal-to-a-fault friend.  I would NEVER have said the things I was accused of saying and I'll never understand all that was at play against me.  I loved serving the body. This has been a long, ugly chapter in our family, and I still don't know why it all had to happen.

All I know is....I've always loved you.

The Elephant and the Blind Men

The other day I was out for a walk, and the words of a poem I once read popped into my head. Now, I haven't thought about the rhyme in many years. I learned the poem in (I think) the fourth grade at Tarpey Elementary School, and I'm pretty sure I haven't seen it since.

Perhaps you know the composition. It's about six blind men from Indostan (the former name of an area of South Asia) who all encounter different parts of the same elephant. Since none of the men can see, they are dependent upon their sense of touch to gain understanding of their surroundings. The man who feels the side of the elephant proclaims, "God bless me, but the elephant is very like a wall!"

The second man feels the sharp tusk and declares, "Tis wonder of an elephant is very like a spear!" The other men are equally sure their observations are true descriptions of the mammal. Depending on what part of the animal the men are touching, it is "a snake", "a tree", "a fan", or "a rope".

Each of the six men were more positive than the one before them that they were right, and each made his point sure and strong. The poem ends with this line: "Though each was partly in the right, and all were in the wrong!"

I wrote a post a few weeks ago about how small, but false accusations, have devastating effects.

I don't blame the people who passed judgment on me, as they were–for the most part–operating in good faith. They BELIEVED they had all the necessary facts to make an assessment of my family, my life, and me.

I wonder if the six men of Indostan were ever able to set aside insistent pride and "see" the elephant for what it truly was.

Several months ago I sat in a room with Tom, a counselor, and a family member with whom we all hoped to reconcile. The counselor asked me to tell my story. Oh, I'd done this so many times before and I ached at the thought of "living" through the sadness again. But I did.

I cried.

The therapist turned to the family member. "What is your response?"

My relative smiled.

"Liz..." She paused. She smiled.

"Liz..." Pause. Smile. "...embellishes."

I was devastated.

The story elements she thought I "embellished" were completely unembellished! She, however, chose to see only pieces of the whole picture and therefore her picture was VERY different from mine.

Let's all work together to see and appreciate all the parts of the elephant. The big picture might be far more cool and impressive than a small snapshot of a portion could ever be on its own.

"Though each was partly in the right, and all were in the wrong!"

Beyond Acceptance

I do write a lot about reconciliation. It’s an important topic for me as I’ve sought it from a number of people I have loved. Finding true relationship harmony goes way beyond forgiveness and one cannot do it alone. To forgive is easy, but truly reconciling a broken friendship is hard.

I think we confuse simple forgiveness with the deeper act of reconciliation. Forgiveness can lead to tolerance and acceptance, but reconciliation leads to an intimate level of love and trust. It’s not enough to simply tolerate you, and I would hope you would expect more from me. I can tolerate the squirrels that scamper along my backyard fence, but don’t expect me to invite them in for tea.

Consider the act of reconciling a checkbook. I remember back in the day when I would compare my check registry with the monthly statement that came to me from my bank. I was sometimes surprised to find that my number did not match the one on the computer-generated bank report. We failed to balance.

The first step to redeeming an unbalanced checkbook is to acknowledge there’s conflict. If my registry says I should have $300 in an account, but the bank insists I only $220, I can’t ignore the discrepancy—unless I want to deal with overdraft charges, of course.

Step two is to accept responsibility for personal mistakes or wrongs. Maybe my math skills failed me, or perhaps some human bank employee used the wrong numbers or data. If neither one of us takes responsibility for the error, but rather we stand our ground like a two-year old and say, “not me, not me”, there can be no hope of balancing.

The third step is to adjust and fix the problem. Perhaps one of us was given faulty information, or insufficient data. I’d sometimes find I had less money in my account simply because I was too lazy to input a check right away and I just forgot about it. That was never a good thing. There were times, however, when a low-level employee of the financial institution made the error.

Finally, it’s important to absorb the lessons and learn from the mistakes. What could I do to make sure I kept better records? Companies are always doing their best to up their costumer service rating, so if a bank employee made a mistake they were usually quick to fix it—to reverse any unfair charges.

The great thing about reconciling immediately is that we are constantly being given a brand new slate. The first day of each month brings with it the chance to start fresh with no negative carry-over from the previous time period.

Reconciliation is not simply ignoring the problems and sweeping them into a file cabinet somewhere. When we do that there is no learning, no maturing, and the foundation of trust is compromised. If we did that with our financial records we would have no knowledge of what was real—of how much or how little money was actually at our disposal.

So it is with relationships. There must be balance and a pure reflection of truth.

Healthy reconciliation takes effort. We must acknowledge, accept, adjust, and absorb. It’s not easy, but like anything of real value, it’s worth the cost. If you don’t want to invest, there can be no real and true reconciliation. After all, you get what you pay for.

No Surprises Here...More on Reconciliation

I don’t know why judgmental piety continues to shock me, but it does. If you’re not a Christ-follower, than this post will be of little interest to you. I do want my unbelieving friends to know that I admire and appreciate your honest authenticity!

I’m ashamed of the way we Christians sometimes treat one another, and it’s time we take ownership. Whether I express my frustration in a small group, or on a social networking site, the religious extremists always slap me down.

The latest came after hearing a sermon a couple of weeks ago. I have sought reconciliation with a handful of church leaders several times. I’m not sure why I keep going back in hopes of building bridges. I mean, they’ve made it clear that reconciliation is NOT on their to-do list, but I’m a romantic optimist (and I keep thinking the leaders will do the right thing).

So, after hearing the convicting message about anger, forgiveness, and reconciliation, I posted the following as my status update: “Hey church leaders. How can you hear a sermon like that and not be motivated to reconcile?”

Several people shared their own personal stories of disappointment and frustration, but one person said, “How sad that some people can’t forgive.” That is absolutely a true statement, but what does it have to do with my observations

Look, both statements are accurate and factual. We are commanded to forgive AND reconcile! Not either/or, but both are necessary to build a healthy body, a flourishing church, and robust spiritual health.

I guess I’m not sure why my friend decided to respond to my comment with her mention of forgiveness. Was she passing judgment on me—suggesting that I hadn’t forgiven? I forgave the gossip, lies, and cruelties exacted on my family and me years ago, and then I was convicted to seek reconciliation. I’ve written before about how restoration was denied me, however, because I work for the theatre.

The importance of reconciliation is expressed all throughout the New Testament. Matthew 5:24 admonishes us to not even offer our gifts to God until we have been reconciled with those from whom we are estranged. The verse says, “First go and be reconciled with them; then come and offer your gift.” GO…and be reconciled. How much clearer can it be?

So, before we sing in the choir, sit with the babies in the nursery, greet at the doors, or put a penny in the offering bag, we are to go and be reconciled. Yes, we are also to forgive, be kind, love one another, be generous and peaceful, etc…

I have many non-Christian friends, and I love them dearly! I’ve learned more about what it means to be of good character from them than from so-called believers. They do right by people just because doin’ right is…well…right.

I’ve seen un-churched friends leave work early so they could go see someone they argued with and be reconciled with them. They don’t have an angel sitting on their shoulder to prompt them to make the good and honorable choice, but they do it because the relationship means that much to them.

Christians pray for forgiveness, and then think that act excuses them from doing the virtuous thing. Yes, that’s a general statement, and it certainly doesn’t apply to all believers, but it’s far more common than I’m proud to admit!

Maybe if we weren’t so sure we’d be forgiven for every little thing, we’d be more careful of what exactly those little things were!

Look, I’ve reached out and sought agreement and mutual understanding from Christians, and I’ve heard every excuse as to why it can’t be. But those justifications have NO Biblical foundation. So let me sum up…we Christ-followers are called to forgive AND reconcile. It’s simple and clear.

No Reconciliation for you!

Today's Wild Ride Wednesday is a hard one. I want you to know...I still pray for reconciliation.

I called and asked for a meeting with the pastor. It’d been several years since we’d attended the church, but the emotions were still raw and the pain was still real. My child encouraged me to once again seek reconciliation.

I’d always been open to restoration with the staff pastor who had booted me out of ministry, and I’d sought it on a couple of other occasions. He, however, wasn’t interested. So, I went directly to the big guy—the man who’d been leading the church for well over 40 years.

I walked in the office and sat down in the overstuffed chair. It seemed like I was 25 feet from the pastor. He had the biggest desk I’d ever seen in my life. A lot of granite had to die for that desk.

The pastor was familiar with my story. He knew we’d been forced to leave the church, but he wasn’t aware of all the nuts and bolts.

I had no interest in recounting all the ugly details—I only hoped for reconciliation and restoration. I’d do whatever it took to forgive and be forgiven.

The pastor’s words shocked me, although I’m not sure why. You’d think by that point I would have understood that the condemnation and judgmental finger pointing was a part of the church’s DNA.

The minister folded his hands, leaned slightly forward, and in his finest Southern gentleman drawl said, “We don’t have to reconcile with you. You work in the theatre and therefore, you are a danger to our reputation.”

And, there it is.

I don’t even know what to say to that. All I know is the pastor needs to step out from behind the behemoth that is his desk, step outside of the church, and see that Christians live in the real world. We have many and varied talents, and sometimes Christians dare to work in film, television, and the theatre!

There are times when I seriously can’t figure out what it is about Christians that draw people to God. That day, sitting in the pristine office of an old Southern pastor, was one of those times. I didn’t see Jesus in his eyes. I saw a Pharisee who effectively said, “Thank you God that I’m not like this person.”

A Light in the Darkness

I’ve really been struggling the past few days. I mean, really struggling. I am looking for my voice—my purpose.

I’ve shared my “mountain-top” experience with a few of you, and I’ll share it again now. For the skeptics out there, let me say—I understand! But, it happened to me.

It was ten or eleven years ago. I was at a women’s retreat at Hume Lake Christian Camps in the Sequoia National Forest. I was really struggling that weekend. Two people who I thought were dear friends had waged a slanderous campaign against me (see previous post) for reasons I could not understand. The minister who oversaw our team had relieved me of my ministry duties. I was so sad, lonely, and broken.

About a month before the retreat I had been asked to put together a drama presentation that was to be performed at one of the weekend meetings. Every time I’m asked to do something like this for a church event, I meet with major opposition. A friend told me, “Satan must be really afraid of you, because he sure puts a lot of stumbling blocks in your path.” As I prepared for the retreat, I felt so alone and the darkness was frightening and oppressive. I spent a week praying and reading and crying. I wrote a sketch called, “A Light in the Darkness”.

A few hours before I was to perform the sketch, I went for a long walk around the lake. I was praying and crying. I stopped and sat down on a rock and I said, “God, please talk to me. I’m scared.” I heard an audible voice. I HEARD the voice say, “Pray for D and K”. D and K were the couple who were back home saying cruel things about me. I did NOT want to pray for them. But I did, and I felt peace and love wash over me. I heard the voice say, “You’re dealing with jealous people.” I said, “Okay, but I want you to tell me about me. What do I need to do? What do I need to change?” The voice said, “Tell your story.” “Okay. Which part?”

I felt like I’d lived through a lot in a relatively short life. I was raised in a broken home, and then I’d survived an abusive marriage to a cocaine addict, an unplanned pregnancy, and single mother-hood. After marrying Tom, we experienced job loss, a failed business, and bankruptcy. And now, finally, life seemed to be settling down a bit. But these judgmental attacks started coming from the most unexpected of places—my friends and ministry partners.

So, after asking which part of my story should be told I heard the voice say, “Your story is just beginning.” I was pissed! Just beginning? The voice said, “Your story is for the church.”

In the years since that day by the side of the lake, I’ve come to understand. I’ve been hurt, attacked, gossiped about, and shattered by the behavior of Christians. The church has let my family down again and again and again, but I’ve kept my eyes on God. I have NOT always been faithful to what I believed. The pain has led me down dark paths. My children have rebelled because of the in-your-face hypocrisy of the spiritual leaders and the personal criticisms of so-called friends. I have never, however, stopped believing.

I have a family member who has accused me of “blaming” others for my woes. Listen…let’s imagine I lost a leg in a car accident. If people asked me how I lost my leg I would say, “in a car accident”. Would their response be, “Oh Liz, stop blaming the car accident for your loss”? Um…no! It’s not about blame. None of us are islands unto ourselves. Our actions affect those closest to us, and their actions affect us. That’s just the truth.

My whole life I have taken personal responsibility for everything I’ve ever done. Further, I’ve accepted that the ills of others are also my fault! Global warming? My fault. Financial meltdown? My fault. Ozone depletion? You guess it—I’m to blame for that too!

I remember once when I was trying to rectify a broken relationship with a Christian friend. The woman sitting across the table from me was pointing her finger at me. She was telling me how weak I was and called into question the condition of my heart. I said, “If you were so sure that I was such a bad person, why didn’t you say something to me? Don’t friends do that for one another?” She said, “Let’s get something straight, you were never that good a friend.” I said, “I’m more…I’m your sister in Christ.” She said, “I won’t yield to your victim mentality.”

So, I’ve kept my mouth shut for many years about many things because I didn’t want people to think I was “blaming” anyone, or that I was playing the “victim” card. But I’ve been remiss. That day on the mountain sitting on the water’s edge of Hume Lake, God told me to tell my story. He told me the story was for the church. A few weeks ago I heard God’s voice say, “Don’t let them hush you”. Within minutes that message was confirmed!

I know this blog entry is long, but I can’t sit silently anymore. We are not islands! We are pebbles whose actions create ripples that touch everyone around us. Your ripples have changed my life, and mine have changed yours.

My story is about pain and recovery, sadness and joy, brokenness and miraculous healings. Above all, my story is about hope! After the hurricane, restoration comes. It may take years, but it does come.

The church isn’t perfect because it’s full of imperfect people. That’s nothing to be ashamed of. God just wants us to bring our weaknesses and failures to him so He can restore us and reconcile His kids. Let’s shine a light on the darkness and talk truth. Let’s be a light in the darkness.

New Year's Day

It’s January 1, 2009. Wow. Doesn’t it just seem like yesterday that the entire human population was questioning the world’s chances of surviving Y2K?

New Year’s Day is traditionally the day on which the whole world decides unanimously to get thinner, be better, keep in closer touch, and stop smoking. This is the day we make resolutions we will most surely not keep – like we need something else to beat ourselves up over. So, I won’t make promises I will forget five minutes from now, and I won’t set goals I am not smart enough, talented enough, or brave enough to actually pursue.

For me 2008 was not a bad year. For the first time in many years my children are safe and healthy and full of peace. 2008 was the first year in about 10 years when I didn’t cry more days than not.

January: Dallas’s bio-dad makes contact through his Myspace. 23 years ago we could not have guessed how the Internet would change so much about our lives. I’m so grateful I never kept the truth from Dallas and that he always had contact with his Dad’s family. The door was always open and I’m so happy to know Dallas has been given the chance to get the answers he has so desperately needed.

February: An amazing woman – a friend, named Rose MacAlpine, passed away. She was beautiful and her family is her legacy of faith and beauty. Pastor Doug spoke so powerfully at Rose’s service and he urged reconciliation and relationship building for all those in attendance, as Rose was all about people. I wrote him a letter and asked, if he believed all he said, if reconciliation with me would ever be possible. He never responded. Set out to celebrate my birthday in Disneyland, but instead spent the whole day in the hospital with Tom undergoing a myriad of tests. He’s fine.

March: Drew turned 21!!

April: Attended “Women Of Faith” in Fresno. I am hungrier than ever to be an actor!! Tom was laid off from the job he’d had for 10 years. In fact, he was given a glowing review, received a hefty bonus and raise, and was laid off.

May: Tom was re-hired by Autodesk…different job, new department. At first he wasn’t so sure that the new job would be a good fit for him, but time has proven that it was the perfect fit.

June: Giana and I went to Africa!!! There are not enough words to describe how fulfilling and amazing those three weeks were. Gia is the most amazing young woman you could ever have the privilege of knowing. Malawi, Africa lives up to it’s name, “The Warm Heart Of Africa”.

July: Returned from Africa and back to my real life. Finished up the GCP workshop, and as always…I love those kids.

August: I saw the amazing fruition of a long held dream – the gathering of hundreds of women to honor the legends who have paved the way for all of us who have come after them. 50 women were honored for the contributions they have made to the ministry of Northwest Church over the past 50 years.

September: Northwest Church spent the entire month celebrating 50 years of ministry…such fun. Giana moves home.

October: Started a new school year, teaching drama in Kindergarten and 5th Grade. Tom celebrated a birthday.

November: Drew moves to Santa Cruz. I emcee at the Women’s Retreat at the Tenaya Lodge. I also get the opportunity to work with some great women on a couple of skits, and I do a monologue. I want to be an actor! ☺ Working hard on Candlelight.

December: Candlelight was a huge success ☺ Drew comes home when his bus breaks down – which leaves him homeless since he lives in his bus.

Happy New Year!