Being Shunned

Hollywood producer, Robert Evans writes in his autobiography (The Kid Stays in the Picture) about surviving Hollywood’s worst gossip, lies, and character attacks.  He was able to just brush off what people said about him, apparently subscribing to the adage, “what people think about me is none of my business”.  Besides, he was no saint.  It took, however, just one horrible egregious lie by actress Sharon Stone to cause him to have a heart attack. The sexy star falsely accused Evans of murder.

Words matter. Anyone who says, “They’re just words – ignore them” has never suffered true character assassination by a cruel person wielding the ax of gossip and lies.

Over the course of the past few months I’ve suffered numerous anxiety attacks.  Once I left a partially filled cart in the grocery store, and another time I carried my unstamped (and therefore unsent) packages out of the post office.  No, I haven’t been accused of murder, but I HAVE been accused of putting a hit out on a former friend.  A HIT!!

The accusation has been affirmed and confirmed.  This woman has made a myriad of crazy allegations against me over the years.  She once accused me of threatening her entire family, so this isn’t new.  I have confronted her about her allegations and gossip.  She sat across a table from me, pointed her finger in my face, and told me she had proof that I was “weak”, a “victim-wannabe” and then added,  “I have no choice but to assume you’re jealous of me.”

But putting a hit out on her?  She has insisted that her informant was a “reliable source”.

Now on one hand, I finally understand all the strange things that have been going on whenever I showed up at the church in which she is a leader and teacher.  Her husband denied me communion, she herself snubbed, shunned, and walked away from me whenever I got close enough to say hello.  One day she even stood with her arms folded behind me during a church service while I sat innocently in my seat listening to the sermon.  I don’t think her eyes ever left me.  Finally, I became so uncomfortable that I left.

On the other hand, what kind of a person makes this kind of crazy accusation?

As soon as I confirmed the truth of the situation, I contacted a pastor at the church who knows my history with this woman.  I was looking for counsel on how to deal with this new accusation.  The pastor told me to “keep your mouth shut and let God be your defender”.

Listen, I’ve written ad nauseam about the damage this woman and her friends have caused my family.  We don’t deserve this!  If saying those words out loud makes me a “victim-wannabe” then so be it! 

The fact that this woman and her friends are Christians is relevant ONLY in that when there is conflict, we are supposed to confront one another in love and for the purpose of reconciliation (Matthew 18).  It is NOT okay – EVER – to spread gossip or to LIE.

 I’ve always followed the Biblical steps of confrontation and reconciliation.  I remember one man defending his own slams against me by turning the tables and making accusations against me.  When I denied his claims, he called me a liar.  The truth is, I’ve never seen the steps in Matthew 18 actually work.  I don’t believe people want reconciliation and restoration, but rather they just want to be right. 

The attacks from this woman and her friends have done life-altering damage to my family and me.  I lost so much – a job, a best friend, an entire church family, and my kids lost their faith.  I do NOT blame The Church for the bad choices or for the dark path my kids took.  I do, however, believe that we ALL do things we wish we hadn’t done when we are in deep never-ending pain.

Like us, our kids lost every friend they had when we were originally kicked out of this woman’s church, AND they watched as their mother was knocked down and beat up again and again by our family “friends”.  They watched me seek restoration with these Christian friends (many times), only to be told that because I worked for The Theatre, I was a danger to their reputation.  It was devastating for ALL of us. 

Are we victims?  NO!!  We’re survivors.  But here’s a fact: For every action there’s a reaction.  My kids walked away from The Church, from God, and from their faith because of how we as a family were treated.  The ugliness towards us has NEVER ended and no matter how deep my faith is nothing can change the fact that my kids have seen (and are seeing) so much ugly.

These people caused deep unnecessary pain and we suffered.  We truly felt as if one day we were out riding our bicycles on a beautiful warm day when out of nowhere a semi-truck deliberately ran us over.  And then, to add insult to injury, we were blamed for riding our bikes – for being human. 

You know, when a Christian mom and dad lose a child to disease or sudden accident that family is embraced, loved and never forgotten.   But, I’ve had people stop me at church to tell me my kids “deserved to be kicked out of church”, and will “never be saved”.  Ummm….so, if (according to you) my kids are dead in Christ, where is your compassion?  Where are your prayers and friendship?  Why am I shunned? 

Some of you have expressed a great deal of impatience with me.  “Move on.” “Let it go.” “Ignore these people.”   I move on and the gossip follows me!  I’m tired of you telling me that I’M a bad witness.  Just by telling our story?  You have no problem talking about the evils of the Westboro Baptist Church, or denouncing the Sudanese for sentencing a Christian woman to death for her beliefs.  But, I share our story of abuse in the name of religion and I’M a bad witness.  Is there no one who sees that as hypocritical?

Am I still bemoaning something that happened years ago?  No!!  I’m frustrated that YEARS LATER these people continue to rip at my family and no one will defend, affirm, or protect us!

The Barna group has written books about how The Church has driven away an entire generation of young people.  David Kinneman wrote (or co-wrote) “You Lost Me” and “UnChristian” and preachers teach the truths from these books in churches all over the country.  Another book detailing the disconnect between what we say and what we do is “The Hole in our Gospel” by Richard Stearns.  And yet I DARE to tell our story – to put names and faces on the anecdotes we read in books, and I’m shamed.

Because you profess to be a Christian, you have a responsibility to me just as I have to you.  I firmly believe that if ONE person had stood up with courage and told the truth years ago, we would not be in this scary place today.  This woman and her friends have been allowed to terrorize my family, and no one speaks up.

Perhaps I’ve misread the Bible.  Perhaps the God of mercy, grace, forgiveness, and unconditional love is not real at all.  Perhaps He IS a judgmental, condemning, hate-filled being who really does not want me in His kingdom – just as you don’t want me in your church.  

Perhaps.  But I KNOW who Jesus is, and guess what? He loves my family.  It is HIS desire that we spend eternity with Him.  I will CONTINUE to be a Christ-follower because I know the Son of God.  I know his character, his compassion, his mercy, his grace, his miraculous works, and his unconditional love.

Robert Evans wrote a check to Sharon Stone for $250,000.  That check is hers if she can corroborate one word of her heinous story.  I’ll make the same offer - $250,000 to this woman who has made this horrendous accusation against me if she can prove I put a hit out on her!   Come see me, and bring your “reliable source”.  The money is yours – unless I first spend it all on therapy and anti-anxiety meds.

Speak Up!

Don't you just love the heart of a mother?  We will do anything to defend and support our kids.  When they make bad decisions, we give them advice (even when we know it won't be heeded), and then we give them a soft place to land when they stumble.  When they are wronged - we will fight for them!

I talked with a mom last night whose daughter recently dealt with a sexual harassment situation at work.  What advice would a mom give her daughter in that situation?  That's an obviously simple answer - FIGHT.  Of course we want our daughters to stand up for themselves, to speak out, to defend their own honor.

Not only does a young woman in that difficult situation deserve to fight for her dignity, but it's in the man's best interest for his victim to stand up to him and to stop him.  He's traveling down a dangerous road - one that could land him in jail.  

All of us are the sons or daughters of somebody, and if any of you find yourself being harassed in ANY way - whether it's at work, at home, in church, or in the neighborhood - you deserve more.  You MUST stand up for yourself.  You MUST preserve your dignity.  No one should be able to take your dignity and reputation without your permission!

I've been harassed for years by a small group of mean people.  In the past few months a brand new accusation against me has surfaced.  I've been told to keep my mouth shut and "let God be your defender".  

Can you IMAGINE my friend giving that advice to her daughter?  Can you imagine any mother telling her daughter to keep her mouth shut and just let the abuse continue?  

I am somebody's daughter.  I am a daughter of The King of kings!  I have a voice, and I deserve the opportunity to use it.

I believe that if the devil has a garden, he grows the choking weeds of gossip, lies, judgment, condemnation, harassment, and hatred.  He uses silence as his fertilizer.  When we silence truth, the void will be filled with a cacophony of lies. 

Speak.  SPEAK UP!

Facts vs. Truth

Poet Maya Angelou posted this on her Facebook page, "There's a world of difference between truth and facts.  Facts can obscure the truth."

Oh how many times we allow facts to obscure the truth.  Worse - we don't allow truth to shine through the facts!  Tragic.

I accept the fact that the truth of our family experience will never be accepted by those whose pride won't allow them to see past the facts they think they know.  The minds of those people were long ago made up, but I continue to pray that others will see our life as a cautionary tale and will do better.

As a single raindrop on a quiet pond sends ripples out to all the shores, so it is with spoken words - they send out ripples that can't be taken back.

I was the director of a project.  The leader/friend that I loved so much "heard" me say about another woman on the team, "If you decide to put (that woman) in charge, I won't do that." That's a fact.  He told his assistant, who told his wife, who told (that woman), and the ripples of discontent and anger tore away at the shoreline that was my life and my reputation!

Then there's truth.

The man I so deeply loved and respected had misheard me.  What I said was, "If you decide to put (that woman) in charge, I'll need to know that."  My statement had NOTHING to do with the woman, but everything to do with the man.  He was uncomfortable with confrontation and I'd watched him dismiss other people based on gossip or hearsay.  I just didn't want that to happen to me.  I wanted to believe I was more important and more valued.

Everything I said after that was heard through the Liz-doesn't-like-(that woman) filter.  Nothing could have been further from the truth. (That woman) was a friend for whom I had respect and love.  She did, however, drop the ball on a number of occasions and as the director of the team, I was frustrated by her lack of professionalism.  That didn't change the fact that I loved her.

From that one simple misheard statement, ripples became waves, and waves became tsunamis, and the spiritual and social landscape of our life was forever changed.  I was judged, condemned, fired, and eventually forced to leave the church and all our so-called friends.  Our kids rebelled and turned to drugs.  My children have all said the downward spiral of discouragement and bad choices began with that one tiny ripple that was a misheard word.  My kids lost every friend they'd ever had and we were all so sad and alone.

The assistant has his opinions about me. (That woman) hates me to this day.  My best friend knew the truth and failed to have my back.

This happens every day.  A married woman is seen coming out of another man's home in the middle of the night.  That might be a fact, but the truth is that her husband is still inside and they've been comforting a friend.  But the "fact" is seen by the wrong person, and a lie becomes truth.

Innocent men have gone to jail because facts obscure the truth.  A couple has sex, then he doesn't call her.  She gets angry.  She accuses him of rape.  Facts support her accusation, and he's condemned.  Tragic!

We do it all the time.  We gossip and lie and manipulate and we fail to see the truth for the facts.

Maya Angelou said, "I've lived 84 years and I've learned there's a world of difference between truth and facts."  I'm so glad I've learned this truth at my "young" age.

The Elephant and the Blind Men

The other day I was out for a walk, and the words of a poem I once read popped into my head. Now, I haven't thought about the rhyme in many years. I learned the poem in (I think) the fourth grade at Tarpey Elementary School, and I'm pretty sure I haven't seen it since.

Perhaps you know the composition. It's about six blind men from Indostan (the former name of an area of South Asia) who all encounter different parts of the same elephant. Since none of the men can see, they are dependent upon their sense of touch to gain understanding of their surroundings. The man who feels the side of the elephant proclaims, "God bless me, but the elephant is very like a wall!"

The second man feels the sharp tusk and declares, "Tis wonder of an elephant is very like a spear!" The other men are equally sure their observations are true descriptions of the mammal. Depending on what part of the animal the men are touching, it is "a snake", "a tree", "a fan", or "a rope".

Each of the six men were more positive than the one before them that they were right, and each made his point sure and strong. The poem ends with this line: "Though each was partly in the right, and all were in the wrong!"

I wrote a post a few weeks ago about how small, but false accusations, have devastating effects.

I don't blame the people who passed judgment on me, as they were–for the most part–operating in good faith. They BELIEVED they had all the necessary facts to make an assessment of my family, my life, and me.

I wonder if the six men of Indostan were ever able to set aside insistent pride and "see" the elephant for what it truly was.

Several months ago I sat in a room with Tom, a counselor, and a family member with whom we all hoped to reconcile. The counselor asked me to tell my story. Oh, I'd done this so many times before and I ached at the thought of "living" through the sadness again. But I did.

I cried.

The therapist turned to the family member. "What is your response?"

My relative smiled.

"Liz..." She paused. She smiled.

"Liz..." Pause. Smile. "...embellishes."

I was devastated.

The story elements she thought I "embellished" were completely unembellished! She, however, chose to see only pieces of the whole picture and therefore her picture was VERY different from mine.

Let's all work together to see and appreciate all the parts of the elephant. The big picture might be far more cool and impressive than a small snapshot of a portion could ever be on its own.

"Though each was partly in the right, and all were in the wrong!"

Small Earthquakes Cause Devastating Tsunamis

I wish I could ignore the hurtful mean things that have been said about me. I wish I could filter out the false accusations. But, this is the deal - it kills my spirit knowing that there are people who believe I'm a hater and a hurter.

Granted, there are only a few people who are guilty of these absurdities, but those few have caused major waves of destruction that I have to deal with. Those foolish humans are like tiny earthquakes that shake a few walls, crack a couple of windows, knock a hundred or so cans off wobbly shelves, then go on their merry way. The problem is, however, they've set into motion all the elements needed for a devastating tsunami.

Tsunamis destroy far more property and lives than the initial earthquake could ever imagine tearing apart. Whole families, villages, cities, and hillsides are swallowed by tsunamis.

On March 11, 2011 the largest earthquake to hit Japan in 150 years triggered a mighty tsunami that devoured cars, houses, planes, and buildings. As of April 25, 2011 more than 14,000 people were dead and nearly 12,000 were still missing. The quake was hard enough, but the aftermath and the destruction done by the behemoth water monster was far worse.

Small decisions have big consequences.

Accusation: I was jealous of a good friend.

Truth: Not even a little. I loved her. I miss her.

Accusation: My children smoked pot in my house while we went to the store.

Truth: They're not that stupid. Tom and I were very smart parents and we were working with counselors at the time. The plan was to get through the holidays. The worse thing you can do when dealing with addicts is to accuse them unfairly. They just get indignant and become more secretive. That accusation caused a severe setback to recovery and things got much worse before they got better. It was unfair.

Accusation: I didn't want to work with a particular woman if she was in charge.

Truth: This one started because a few words were misheard. I love and respect every chance to be part of a team. I really don't care what my role is. Just working with talented people is a gift. There are no small roles, only small actors. I live by that mantra.

Accusation: Asking questions of people in authority meant I was on a "dangerous path".

Truth: The act of asking questions empowers individuals (maybe that's what they were afraid of) and it strengthens the team. It provides the information needed to grow and change.

Accusation: I lied and manipulated to get my way.

Truth: Since I never said the things I was accused of saying, this can't be true. BTW, look again at the answer a few lines before. I would rather be a respected member of a team, then a person who always gets her way.

Accusation: I've walked away from the Lord.

Truth: Jesus is my best friend. I've had doors slammed on my face and friends cut me off because they don't want any part of the myriad of challenges we've had to face. Jesus has never made an accusation against me, and we're tighter than ever.

Accusation: I brainwashed my son against his bio-dad.

Truth: I ALWAYS told Dallas his dad loved him, but was unable to be a part of our lives because of his choices. I didn't share details about drug addiction and abuse until Dallas was an adult battling his own addictions. The door was always open. Always.

Look, I'm not perfect. I don't even try to hide that fact.

Some relationships are just plain toxic, and I've put distance between those persons and me. Instead of making assumptions about me and my choices, why don't you ask me a few simple questions? Maybe, just maybe, I have good and healthy reasons for doing as I do. Instead of seeking out "friends" to talk to about me, talk to me.

Scientists predict that in March of 2014 a giant debris field from the massive Japanese tsunami will wash up on the shores of California. Three years after the major event, the garbage will still be evident and someone will be forced to deal with it. Can you imagine, cars, roofs, doors, walls, and all manner of trash smothering our beautiful beaches? We will suffer the consequences of a catastrophe that happened on the other side of the world years after the tragedy.

So it is with false accusations. Small decisions to believe lies and act accordingly have great consequences in the future.

I won't waste any more time investing in toxic relationships. I'll be nice when I see you, I promise. If you make false accusations against me, please don't expect me to respond.

It's hard to have a constructive conversation with someone who's wagging his or her finger in my face. I still love you, but please - please put the finger away.

The "Daddy" Place

Christian music artist, Plumb sings, “There’s a God shaped hole in all of us, and the restless soul is searching.” An Agnostic friend of mine thinks that’s the most ridiculous lyric he’s ever heard, but that’s not the point of this post.

There IS a “daddy” place in each and every one of us, and people without a daddy struggle to fill that hole.

It’s not only little kids that suffer loss when a father walks out, or dies prematurely. I have an adult friend whose heart was broken by her daddy’s selfishness. I myself have a mentor who was like a surrogate daddy to me. I’d give anything to hear that Music Minister say, “I’m sorry. I believe you. Come home.” Ugh…

Tom has been an incredible dad to all three of our kids. I’m a blessed mom. Dallas, however, still had an empty place left by the father that walked out on him when he was barely seven months old.

I was shocked to see Dallas grieve for his absent father over the years. He was so young when the marriage ended. When he learned to say “da da”, he said it to Tom. He didn’t even remember Terry. How could there be a “daddy” hole in my son?

I sometimes wished I’d never told him about the sperm donor to whom I was once married. I knew, however, that truth was always the best policy. Who would’ve guessed the Internet would explode the way it did, and Dallas’s dad would contact him via a social media site called MySpace one day? Crazy.

I’ve written before about the fact that my ex-husband was absent from our lives for 23 years. The door, however, was ALWAYS open to him. I maintained contact with Dallas’s uncle and the grandparents, as I knew it was the good and healthy thing to do for everyone. Besides, I truly love my ex-husband’s family and they are great people.

Terry always knew where we lived and how to get in touch with Dallas. Again, the door was ALWAYS open. It was not easy for Tom to share his son with a phantom father who had abused me—his wife!

When Terry contacted Dallas three years ago I blogged, “We’ll see.” I’d prayed for my son’s bio-dad for 22 ½ years, and I asked God to let Terry live long enough to see his son grow into a man. I prayed for healing of hearts and addictions.

Tom and I walked with our oldest son through crazy challenges, including drug addiction, arrests, prison, rehab, joblessness, and sobriety. We would do it all again.

Dallas spoke to his bio-dad briefly back in 2008. Sadly, Terry immediately told him lies, and that angered my son. A few months later my ex apologized to me for “betraying the vows of our marriage”, and thanked me for never giving up on Dallas. He told me I was a good mom. I took him at his word.

When I asked about Jodee, Terry denied fathering the little girl I knew was his.

Shortly after Dallas spoke with his bio-dad, I began getting notices from Fresno County Family Support. I’d never received a dime of child support—presumably because Terry had never worked at a job long enough to be caught. Now, however, he seemed to be settled and the government tracked him down.

Fresno County was receiving all the collected monies, and I didn’t get a penny. Finally, after about a year of this, I contacted them to inquire as to whether or not I was entitled to any of the collected money. Turns out, the case was so old that they’d kept track of what was owed to the County, but lost track of what was owed to me.

Family Support quickly corrected their error, and I (thinking Terry was new and improved) expected my ex to do the right thing. He went ballistic!

He wrote me a terrible letter in which he accused me of all kinds of bad. He called me a liar and told me I’d hidden Dallas from him, and “poisoned our son” with my lies. I know what Tom and I did and the extremes we went to in order to keep doors open. I don’t have to defend myself. My son knows the truth because he lived it.

That inflammatory letter was the push I needed to renew contact with Dallas’s little sister and her family. I’m so grateful I did!

Still a Mama bear!

It’s Wild Ride Wednesday. Today I’ll talk about forgiveness, hope, and a mama bear’s response to someone her child should be able to trust.

I’ve written stories about my ex-husband. I experienced physical abuse at the hand of the man with whom I shared my bed, and I witnessed frightening spiritual attacks.

A couple of years ago Dallas received a strange message on his MySpace page. A nurse from Missouri wrote, “Are you Dallas Wayne Stoeckel of Clovis, CA?” He showed the message to me. Who could this be? How does she know his middle name?

As soon as I looked at the message and the pictures posted on the sender’s page, I knew. She was somehow connected to my ex-husband—Dallas’s biological father.

“What should I do?” Dallas was 23, but still asked for Mom’s advice on occasion. “Write back. Tell her you are in fact Dallas Wayne and ask if you know her.” He did.

The woman wrote back to say that she was a friend of Dallas’s dad and that after 23 years of absence, he wanted to have contact with him. If you are a regular reader of my blog you know that my ex walked out of our apartment in the summer of 1985 and we never saw him again. Dallas agreed to have contact.

They spoke briefly on the phone. Sadly, Dallas was told untruths.

Despite the lies, I prayed there would be healing. My ex-husband was addicted to cocaine for 20+ years. I watched my children wage their own battles with drug addiction, and I know first hand that an addict is...well...crazy! I hoped and prayed, however, that clarity would come with sobriety and that some kind of relationship would develop. My ex-husband claims to be a strong Christian and he asked me to forgive him for “betraying the vows” of our marriage. I readily forgave him. The truth is, I’d forgiven him long ago. I had to if I was going to love and raise our son in a healthy and happy home.

Over the past two years I’ve had some friendly contact with Dallas’s bio-dad, but Dallas hasn’t been interested in hearing more lies. Besides, Dallas lovingly pointed out, “I already have a dad”. Precious words from a son to my husband Tom—the man who loved and raised Dallas since he was a year old.

About the time my ex-husband popped back into our world I started getting letters from Fresno County informing me that they were collecting back child support monies from the long-missing man. The money wasn’t coming to me, however, but rather it was going to the county to pay them back for the period of time Dallas and I were on welfare following the separation. A couple of months ago Fresno County sent me a letter telling me the debt was paid in full. I asked them how that could be, since I personally never received any court-ordered reimbursement.

My ex-husband sent me the most horrible letter the other day, telling me I’m a liar and that I poisoned Dallas against him. He says he’s hired an attorney to get to the bottom of the child support “truth” since he “can’t count on” me for that truth. It’s been 25 years since he packed his bags and drove out of our lives. Why do his words sting?

While I would love to write a rambling paragraph defending myself, I know that isn't necessary. I hoped that after all these years, this man might actually have an opportunity to meet his son and get to know the awesomeness that is Dallas. Instead, he continues to blame and to deflect the focus from his own irresponsibility and bad behavior.

The mama bear in me wants to rise up and say, “You hurt my kid, and you must be taken down!” No matter how old my children are, the urge to defend and fight for them never diminishes. I really believe that God feels that same frustration when we hurt one another—His kids!

I also know that God allows consequences. It must be hard to sit back and watch His kids suffer because of our own bad choices, but He knows we’ll learn and grow because of it.

Dallas is a strong young man. His life is full. He has loving friends and a supportive family. He’s getting healthier every day. My ex is living with the consequences of his choices, but I can’t help feel a twinge of sadness. He’s missing out.

Who Is Determining Your Value?

A few weeks ago I was out early on a Saturday morning running a few errands. When I jumped in the car the radio was tuned to the local talk station. It took just a few seconds to realize that I was listening to a question and answer show about cars and I couldn’t change the channel quickly enough. However, something caught my attention. I can’t say what it was, but something caught my attention.

The caller was telling the moderators of the call-in show that he was from the East coast, had never driven a car, and knew nothing about cars. The man was in Fresno because his stepfather had recently passed away and he was here settling the estate. Upon arriving in town the caller learned that as executor of the estate he was now the owner of an old car. His question was simple – should he repair the car before selling it, or should he sell it as is? The radio show host couldn’t answer the man’s questions without more information, so he pressed him a bit further. “What kind of car is it?” “It’s a Chevrolet. My neighbor says it isn’t worth much because there’s no value in a gas guzzler.” The moderator pressed for more answers. “Tell me a bit about the car.” The caller told how the car had been purchased for his brother while the brother was serving in Vietnam. Unfortunately his brother had not returned and so the car had been covered and in a temperature controlled environment for 40 years! “What kind of car is it?” “It’s one of those sports cars”, the man calmly explained. “It’s a Corvette.” You could almost hear the radio guys holding their breath and the hearts in their chests cease to beat.

The caller had allowed his neighbor to determine the value of his newly inherited treasure. Was the neighbor hoping to buy the never before driven 40-year-old Corvette for much less than it was worth? Whatever his motivation, he had misrepresented the value of the car. The radio show host gave this piece of wise counsel, “Look for an expert on classic cars and let him look at the car and tell you what it is worth. My guess is, you have quite a treasure on your hands.”

Over the past many years I've given other people the power to determine my value. Shame on me! I've been accused of saying things I never said, and doing things I never did, and I didn't stand up for myself 'cause I was a big chicken! I've let lies seep into my heart and mind. These lies diminished my value as I saw it. Shame on me!

I’ve sought reconciliation with some of those whose lies have broken my heart, but they have refused. I need to not let them determine my value. I need to go to The Expert.

May Sweeps

It's May. For television May and November are big "sweeps" months - the time of year when TV shows pull out the big story-line guns and hope to attract the highest number of viewers. Advertisers look at the sweeps numbers to determine which shows will get the most exposure to their clients' products. Of course the shows that get the most viewers will get the most money for each advertising minute.

When I was young I loved to watch "All My Children" with my mom. I still watch the occasional soap opera (or "story" as my son calls them), and the best story lines are tangled and untangled in the months of May and November. I still remember gathering at my friend Louie's apartment in November of 1981 to watch "General Hospital's" Luke and Laura FINALLY get married!! I remember each and every husband of Erica Cane (from "All My Children" and played by Susan Lucci).

The thing that kept me hooked on soaps was not the hot guys, the steamy love stories, the beautiful clothes, or the exotic location shots, but rather it was the knowledge that eventually good would win, and evil would be exposed. There is always a character in the soaps who is manipulating things to make themselves look angelic, and the good people look really bad. Eventually, however, the truth is always seen, the manipulator loses the girl or guy, and true love always wins out. Primetime TV has had their share of schemers as well, and my favorite new schemer is Parker Posie's character on Boston Legal....but I digress.

Several years ago a woman who is all smiles and charm to the outside world so convincingly wove a tapestry of half-truths and lies about me that I lost my job - a job she now has. A couple of years later I understudied a beautiful woman in a theatrical production. She demeaned me verbally and emotionally and night after night I left those rehearsals in tears. She lied about her behavior when confronted and her charm eventually won the heart of my dearest friend and I lost him to her.

Okay...so if life was truly a stage then May and November would be sweeps months! This would be the time of year when all the story pieces come together, lies would be revealed and the good girl would get those she loves back. Good people would be forgiven for bad behavior and bad people would be found out. However, this is real life and people don't forgive as easily as they do in the Soap Operas, the girl doesn't always get the guy, and there are no cute ribbons with which to wrap life's package in that proverbial neat little bow. I guess that's what makes TV "fantasy".