So, how does one live with the prospect of being a broken person for the rest of one's life? The self-help books that address the subject - if lined up end to end - would most certainly build a bridge to Hawaii, back, and beyond a hundred times. I particularly love the titles of the spiritual based books about healing, "God Uses Broken Pots", "When Life Gives You Manure, Stick A Flower In It", "Joy Comes In The Morning" (or is it "mourning"?), etc.... I actually really like the visual picture painted by the author who points out that kaleidoscopes are created from broken pieces of glass, which are then exposed to the light. She suggests we just need to expose our broken glass to the light and allow the beauty to be revealed.
I wasn't broken all at once, from one merciful blow, but rather I was chipped away at. At first the ax fell on my outer, thicker shell and I didn't notice the losses too terribly much. In the beginning I lost things I could always replace - a job, a church, acquaintances. Then the losses were far more painful - hobbies, close friends.....security. The hardest loss - the one that finally broke me - was the loss of not one or two, but actually several dreams. Dreams are held and nurtured for most of one's life. We dream dreams for our self, our family, our children, for what we hope to accomplish, for all the good we hope to leave behind. Dreams are at the very core of what and who we are.
Okay, so who are we when the dreams we once dreamed have died? Letting go is hard for me because my dreams have been so deeply a part of who I am for my whole life. Without my dreams I am not ME anymore - I am someone else.
So....I guess I should get to know this new person I see in the mirror. Perhaps I should allow myself to meet and greet some new dreams and invite them to set up residence for a time - get to know them. Maybe I'll step into the dream closet and try a few on for size. I need a new dream.