Being a mom is incredible and beautiful and amazing and is more important to me than any other position I might ever hold in life. Being a mom is also awful and painful and sad and.....hard! Having a Mother's heart is the hardest part of the job.
When my son was five I went one Sunday morning to pick him up from his Sunday School class and the teacher said, "Your son was very bad today." The woman to whom I had entrusted my son's physical and spiritual care for the morning then turned to my son and said, "Tell your mommy how bad you were today". My Mommy instinct was to pounce on that pious woman and rip her to shreds. My Mommy's heart was flooded with emotion. I wanted to understand what had happened to inspire the teacher to make such a bold accusation. I wanted to scold my son and help him to see that whatever he had done wrong was a bad choice and he was capable of making better choices. I wanted to look around the room to see who might be listening to this conversation for fear that my reputation as a mother and woman was being seriously attacked. But mostly, I wanted to scoop my child up into my arms and love him and assure him that even when he acted badly my love would not go away.
My heart has been ripped, torn, and broken in two many times in my 44 years, but nothing hurts my heart so deeply and calls me into action so fully as the hurt, sadness, brokenness, and suffering that is experienced by my kids.
God made moms and dads completely differently - thank goodness. Dads tend to be more black and white about things and it's pretty easy for them to distance themselves from the bad choices their children make. I heard a psychologist once say that kids learn early on that Mom's love was unconditional, but Dad's love was clearly conditional. I don't believe a good dad's love is truly conditional, but their responses to their kids is clearly conditional upon behavior. A friend of ours calls it "good cop/bad cop" and it is the way God made us.
There have been times in the lives of my kids when I - Mom - was the only one who still believed in them, still found reasons to trust them, and still had a sliver of hope that the outcome of whatever crisis they were in would be positive. If it hadn't been for the crushing ache in my chest for my kids I would never have cried out in anguish to God. If it wasn't for the deep heart pain that calls me into action, there might not be one single person in the world praying for my kids.
As awful as it is, God calls us moms to hurt for our kids so that we will never stop praying for them.
Monday, May 22, 2006
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Morning Exercise.....a poem
MORNING EXERCISE
By Elizabeth Stoeckel
Run, ride, peddle, step.
Going, going
getting nowhere fast.
The heart struggles to meet the demands
of the determined and sometimes rebellious body.
I smile, and then laugh
at the many pairs of flailing limbs
as they are reflected in the mirrored walls.
We move independently together.
Going, going
getting nowhere fast.
May, 2006
By Elizabeth Stoeckel
Run, ride, peddle, step.
Going, going
getting nowhere fast.
The heart struggles to meet the demands
of the determined and sometimes rebellious body.
I smile, and then laugh
at the many pairs of flailing limbs
as they are reflected in the mirrored walls.
We move independently together.
Going, going
getting nowhere fast.
May, 2006
Saturday, May 20, 2006
May Sweeps
It's May. For television May and November are big "sweeps" months - the time of year when TV shows pull out the big story-line guns and hope to attract the highest number of viewers. Advertisers look at the sweeps numbers to determine which shows will get the most exposure to their clients' products. Of course the shows that get the most viewers will get the most money for each advertising minute.
When I was young I loved to watch "All My Children" with my mom. I still watch the occasional soap opera (or "story" as my son calls them), and the best story lines are tangled and untangled in the months of May and November. I still remember gathering at my friend Louie's apartment in November of 1981 to watch "General Hospital's" Luke and Laura FINALLY get married!! I remember each and every husband of Erica Cane (from "All My Children" and played by Susan Lucci).
The thing that kept me hooked on soaps was not the hot guys, the steamy love stories, the beautiful clothes, or the exotic location shots, but rather it was the knowledge that eventually good would win, and evil would be exposed. There is always a character in the soaps who is manipulating things to make themselves look angelic, and the good people look really bad. Eventually, however, the truth is always seen, the manipulator loses the girl or guy, and true love always wins out. Primetime TV has had their share of schemers as well, and my favorite new schemer is Parker Posie's character on Boston Legal....but I digress.
Several years ago a woman who is all smiles and charm to the outside world so convincingly wove a tapestry of half-truths and lies about me that I lost my job - a job she now has. A couple of years later I understudied a beautiful woman in a theatrical production. She demeaned me verbally and emotionally and night after night I left those rehearsals in tears. She lied about her behavior when confronted and her charm eventually won the heart of my dearest friend and I lost him to her.
Okay...so if life was truly a stage then May and November would be sweeps months! This would be the time of year when all the story pieces come together, lies would be revealed and the good girl would get those she loves back. Good people would be forgiven for bad behavior and bad people would be found out. However, this is real life and people don't forgive as easily as they do in the Soap Operas, the girl doesn't always get the guy, and there are no cute ribbons with which to wrap life's package in that proverbial neat little bow. I guess that's what makes TV "fantasy".
When I was young I loved to watch "All My Children" with my mom. I still watch the occasional soap opera (or "story" as my son calls them), and the best story lines are tangled and untangled in the months of May and November. I still remember gathering at my friend Louie's apartment in November of 1981 to watch "General Hospital's" Luke and Laura FINALLY get married!! I remember each and every husband of Erica Cane (from "All My Children" and played by Susan Lucci).
The thing that kept me hooked on soaps was not the hot guys, the steamy love stories, the beautiful clothes, or the exotic location shots, but rather it was the knowledge that eventually good would win, and evil would be exposed. There is always a character in the soaps who is manipulating things to make themselves look angelic, and the good people look really bad. Eventually, however, the truth is always seen, the manipulator loses the girl or guy, and true love always wins out. Primetime TV has had their share of schemers as well, and my favorite new schemer is Parker Posie's character on Boston Legal....but I digress.
Several years ago a woman who is all smiles and charm to the outside world so convincingly wove a tapestry of half-truths and lies about me that I lost my job - a job she now has. A couple of years later I understudied a beautiful woman in a theatrical production. She demeaned me verbally and emotionally and night after night I left those rehearsals in tears. She lied about her behavior when confronted and her charm eventually won the heart of my dearest friend and I lost him to her.
Okay...so if life was truly a stage then May and November would be sweeps months! This would be the time of year when all the story pieces come together, lies would be revealed and the good girl would get those she loves back. Good people would be forgiven for bad behavior and bad people would be found out. However, this is real life and people don't forgive as easily as they do in the Soap Operas, the girl doesn't always get the guy, and there are no cute ribbons with which to wrap life's package in that proverbial neat little bow. I guess that's what makes TV "fantasy".
Wednesday, May 3, 2006
VESSELS
By Elizabeth Stoeckel
They are vessels
navigating silently through the sometimes murky and rough,
often calm and still waters of life.
They are strangers.
Though most seem strong and withstanding
I wonder about weaknesses that have been repaired,
and holes that have been patched.
Many are plain and simple,
but they hold secrets of outlandish exploits
and surprising adventures.
A few are gaudy and bold,
but their contents are unnecessary or destructive.
Some drag cargo they long ago meant to purge,
while others carry riches unseen by the passing outsider.
They are vessels transporting stories and memories,
hopes, desires, and dreams for the journey.
Though we share the waterways from one port to the next,
we are strangers.
We unintentionally touch,
and we are strangers still.
September, 2005
By Elizabeth Stoeckel
They are vessels
navigating silently through the sometimes murky and rough,
often calm and still waters of life.
They are strangers.
Though most seem strong and withstanding
I wonder about weaknesses that have been repaired,
and holes that have been patched.
Many are plain and simple,
but they hold secrets of outlandish exploits
and surprising adventures.
A few are gaudy and bold,
but their contents are unnecessary or destructive.
Some drag cargo they long ago meant to purge,
while others carry riches unseen by the passing outsider.
They are vessels transporting stories and memories,
hopes, desires, and dreams for the journey.
Though we share the waterways from one port to the next,
we are strangers.
We unintentionally touch,
and we are strangers still.
September, 2005
The Apple Tree
18 months ago I planted a brand new apple tree- a sapling. For me that little tree represented hope for a better future, for as you know my son was in jail and my daughter was 750 miles away in a drug and behavioral treatment program.
Last Spring I was thrilled to see eight tiny Fuji apples begin to form. As the apples grew larger those little tiny branches began to bend and sag under the weight of the fruit. I went out each and every morning to monitor that little tree and one morning I saw that one of the branches had split, but was not yet completely broken. I wrapped that little branch's wound and then I used garden tape to wrap all the tiny branches together in such a way that they were clinging to one another and then they as a group were clinging to the trunk (which was still small, but sturdy!).
Do you know that all eight of those tiny apples grew into huge, delicious apples. I thought of the church and how we all need to support one another in order to produce the best possible fruit. If we - the body - are not there to support all the other branches then the fruit bearing branches will eventually break under the weight of that fruit. The same can be said of our work place, our neighborhood, our family, and our circle of friends. As the branches get stronger they have the responsibility of supporting the new, smaller branches.
I am so excited to report that this year that little tree has about 30 apples growing on it's still frail branches. The branch that had suffered a split last year has healed. Because the tree is still young, all the branches will once again have to cling to one another so all 30 apples will grow to maturity as I expect to share and eat them all! :):)
Last Spring I was thrilled to see eight tiny Fuji apples begin to form. As the apples grew larger those little tiny branches began to bend and sag under the weight of the fruit. I went out each and every morning to monitor that little tree and one morning I saw that one of the branches had split, but was not yet completely broken. I wrapped that little branch's wound and then I used garden tape to wrap all the tiny branches together in such a way that they were clinging to one another and then they as a group were clinging to the trunk (which was still small, but sturdy!).
Do you know that all eight of those tiny apples grew into huge, delicious apples. I thought of the church and how we all need to support one another in order to produce the best possible fruit. If we - the body - are not there to support all the other branches then the fruit bearing branches will eventually break under the weight of that fruit. The same can be said of our work place, our neighborhood, our family, and our circle of friends. As the branches get stronger they have the responsibility of supporting the new, smaller branches.
I am so excited to report that this year that little tree has about 30 apples growing on it's still frail branches. The branch that had suffered a split last year has healed. Because the tree is still young, all the branches will once again have to cling to one another so all 30 apples will grow to maturity as I expect to share and eat them all! :):)
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Anniversaries
Anniversaries are interesting. We celebrate some anniversaries and dread others. We hope that certain dates will remind us of the joys we felt or the love we shared when we began a relationship, married, or graduated from school. Sometimes we spend an anniversary celebrating a life remembered or the date we gave up a long and destructive habit. Whatever the anniversary - we remember.
Last week, September 17, was the one year anniversary of the date our then 16-year-old daughter ran away from home and our reality changed again and forever. I thought the day might go by quietly and without much reflection, but I am finding that on that day and each day since, I remember more clearly than the day before how I felt, what I thought, how I cried, and what I feared. The smells of late Summer/early Fall make the memories strong and vivid. The colors of the sky, the earlier sunset, the neighborhood kids making the daily trek to and from school - these are the things that fill the senses every day. The fact that these normal every day occurrences were still happening last year at this time seemed to me like a personal betrayal by the whole world. How could the Earth keep spinning on its axis when my world had stopped? One year later the sights, smells and sounds of this season bring it all back.
In a week and a half we will celebrate the one year anniversary of the miracle that lead to the finding of our daughter, followed by the anniversary of the date we left her in Utah at the place she was loved and nurtured for 7 1/2 months. We will then celebrate the one year anniversary of the date our son was taken to jail, and the first anniversary of the most difficult holiday season I could ever have imagined experiencing. I look forward to the bad memories being replaced by new and happier remembrances. Our lives, however, are changed forever - in so many ways for the better.
A crisis always brings out the best and the worst in all God's children. I am grateful for the kindness of strangers and the words of encouragement that came from people I could never have imagined knowing a year ago. I still marvel at the goodness that rises out of ashes. My family strives daily to recover from the pains inflicted on us by friends and family whose critical words, thoughtless actions, and mean spirited finger pointing made our struggle nearly unbearable. We mourn the loss of relationships we once trusted.
However, we know there is hope. Our daughter is healthy, our son returned home after 9 months in jail, and our middle son has not only survived, but has thrived in the midst of the storm. If broken lives can be rebuilt, so too can broken relationships - that is...if there is the willingness to take responsibility, learn from mistakes, and trim all that is unhealthy.
One year later....there is hope.
Last week, September 17, was the one year anniversary of the date our then 16-year-old daughter ran away from home and our reality changed again and forever. I thought the day might go by quietly and without much reflection, but I am finding that on that day and each day since, I remember more clearly than the day before how I felt, what I thought, how I cried, and what I feared. The smells of late Summer/early Fall make the memories strong and vivid. The colors of the sky, the earlier sunset, the neighborhood kids making the daily trek to and from school - these are the things that fill the senses every day. The fact that these normal every day occurrences were still happening last year at this time seemed to me like a personal betrayal by the whole world. How could the Earth keep spinning on its axis when my world had stopped? One year later the sights, smells and sounds of this season bring it all back.
In a week and a half we will celebrate the one year anniversary of the miracle that lead to the finding of our daughter, followed by the anniversary of the date we left her in Utah at the place she was loved and nurtured for 7 1/2 months. We will then celebrate the one year anniversary of the date our son was taken to jail, and the first anniversary of the most difficult holiday season I could ever have imagined experiencing. I look forward to the bad memories being replaced by new and happier remembrances. Our lives, however, are changed forever - in so many ways for the better.
A crisis always brings out the best and the worst in all God's children. I am grateful for the kindness of strangers and the words of encouragement that came from people I could never have imagined knowing a year ago. I still marvel at the goodness that rises out of ashes. My family strives daily to recover from the pains inflicted on us by friends and family whose critical words, thoughtless actions, and mean spirited finger pointing made our struggle nearly unbearable. We mourn the loss of relationships we once trusted.
However, we know there is hope. Our daughter is healthy, our son returned home after 9 months in jail, and our middle son has not only survived, but has thrived in the midst of the storm. If broken lives can be rebuilt, so too can broken relationships - that is...if there is the willingness to take responsibility, learn from mistakes, and trim all that is unhealthy.
One year later....there is hope.
Monday, August 8, 2005
Setting The Standard
When will we really, really become aware of the pain we inflict on people? When will we really take responsibility for that pain? When will we learn that our words and treatment of people can leave scars that last forever and can change the course of a person's life forever? I ask this question of myself as well. I ran into two different people this weekend who told me two different stories which are startlingly similar.
On Friday I ran into a man who used to attend our former church home. Russ is a talented musician and was an active leader in the music department. Last year Russ came home from work one day to find that his wife had moved out and wanted a divorce. Russ was caught off guard and he certainly didn't want his marriage to end, but his wife had made up her mind. The music director at the church told Russ that because his personal life was in disarray he had to ask him to leave the music department!! Russ NEEDED the comfort and care of his church family. Russ NEEDED to be embraced and cared for. Russ didn't do anything wrong, but was deemed unworthy to be in the church orchestra.
It has been nearly a year since Russ's wife left and he has never once stepped foot back into a church - any church. He is broken and angry.
Last night we ran into a beautiful young, talented, gifted, spirit filled friend of ours I will call "Linda". Linda is a talented leader who has a heart for the hurting and a calling into ministry. In recent weeks Linda has been talking with a church who was considering hiring her for a certain position and she was very excited about this opportunity as this is her heart and passion. The talks were going well and she was excited about being a part of this church family.
Three weeks ago Linda was asked to be a part of the church service - a chance for the church family to get to know her better. A few minutes into the service the announcements were made and it was then - at that moment - in front of everyone - that it was announced that the job she had been in negotiations for had been given to someone else and that person was introduced to the congregation. Linda was put in an awful, painful, and public spot and she hasn't been to church since!
Intellectually we know that Christians are only human, but it is especially difficult when Christian leaders take us for granted or cause us pain. Why can't we learn to simply communicate with one another? Do we care what the long term impact of our thoughtlessness will be? We’ve been given a perfect example of how to handle most life situations through the life and times of Jesus Christ. Simple respect should be the least we can give one another.
Several years ago I was tapped to direct a major production at our church. I was, in fact, the director of Drama Ministries and I had already met with the set designer and had set up a rehearsal schedule and was well on track to get the production underway. Then, in a meeting with the rest of the arts team, just weeks before rehearsals were to begin, the Music Minister turned to another woman on the team and said, "I want you to direct this production". I was stunned. It took me several weeks to get a meeting in which I was simply told by the Music Minister, "I'm in charge. That's it." To this day the pain persists and I struggle to make sense of why.
Out in the non-church business arena I have auditioned for many a role I didn’t get, and have applied for many a job I wasn’t given, but I was always treated with respect and was given the courtesy of a letter or phone call. Public humiliation is never okay, but it’s especially difficult when a part of our own body causes such pain or discomfort.
We can do better. We can and should treat one another with more respect. At the very least we need to learn and practice the art of apologies and forgiveness. We, the church ought to be setting the bar, the standard for excellence and respect. Won’t you join me in doing more and doing better?
On Friday I ran into a man who used to attend our former church home. Russ is a talented musician and was an active leader in the music department. Last year Russ came home from work one day to find that his wife had moved out and wanted a divorce. Russ was caught off guard and he certainly didn't want his marriage to end, but his wife had made up her mind. The music director at the church told Russ that because his personal life was in disarray he had to ask him to leave the music department!! Russ NEEDED the comfort and care of his church family. Russ NEEDED to be embraced and cared for. Russ didn't do anything wrong, but was deemed unworthy to be in the church orchestra.
It has been nearly a year since Russ's wife left and he has never once stepped foot back into a church - any church. He is broken and angry.
Last night we ran into a beautiful young, talented, gifted, spirit filled friend of ours I will call "Linda". Linda is a talented leader who has a heart for the hurting and a calling into ministry. In recent weeks Linda has been talking with a church who was considering hiring her for a certain position and she was very excited about this opportunity as this is her heart and passion. The talks were going well and she was excited about being a part of this church family.
Three weeks ago Linda was asked to be a part of the church service - a chance for the church family to get to know her better. A few minutes into the service the announcements were made and it was then - at that moment - in front of everyone - that it was announced that the job she had been in negotiations for had been given to someone else and that person was introduced to the congregation. Linda was put in an awful, painful, and public spot and she hasn't been to church since!
Intellectually we know that Christians are only human, but it is especially difficult when Christian leaders take us for granted or cause us pain. Why can't we learn to simply communicate with one another? Do we care what the long term impact of our thoughtlessness will be? We’ve been given a perfect example of how to handle most life situations through the life and times of Jesus Christ. Simple respect should be the least we can give one another.
Several years ago I was tapped to direct a major production at our church. I was, in fact, the director of Drama Ministries and I had already met with the set designer and had set up a rehearsal schedule and was well on track to get the production underway. Then, in a meeting with the rest of the arts team, just weeks before rehearsals were to begin, the Music Minister turned to another woman on the team and said, "I want you to direct this production". I was stunned. It took me several weeks to get a meeting in which I was simply told by the Music Minister, "I'm in charge. That's it." To this day the pain persists and I struggle to make sense of why.
Out in the non-church business arena I have auditioned for many a role I didn’t get, and have applied for many a job I wasn’t given, but I was always treated with respect and was given the courtesy of a letter or phone call. Public humiliation is never okay, but it’s especially difficult when a part of our own body causes such pain or discomfort.
We can do better. We can and should treat one another with more respect. At the very least we need to learn and practice the art of apologies and forgiveness. We, the church ought to be setting the bar, the standard for excellence and respect. Won’t you join me in doing more and doing better?
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