Saying Goodbye to Hate...Confessions From a Punching Bag

2016 was one for the record books for sure.  We lost creative icons, we elected a billionaire to the U.S. presidency, we deleted, blocked, or unfriended people with whom we disagree. We not only cut people from our social media feeds, but many refused to even spend the holidays with family because of opposing political views.

In 2016 we seemed to be obsessed with hate.  We spread it, wrote about it, spoke against it, produced it, and lamented about it.

We can be so mean.

I’ve been living in a culture of hate for most of my life.  It’s very simply been a fact I came to expect and tolerate.  Donald Trump is, in my opinion and experience, NOT an anomaly.  Rather, he is a reflection of who we are as American humans.  We make fun of people, call one another hurtful names, jump to conclusions, put ourselves in bright and shiny lights while dimming the value of others, and spread hurtful and untrue gossip.

I can’t change the world, but this punching bag is standing up to the hatred once and for all.  I’m sick of it! 

My husband told me last week that I was living my life as if I’d done something wrong and I needed to stop it!  He’s RIGHT!  There’s a long list of places I won’t go because people quite simply hate me and have made me feel unworthy.  That list includes churches, businesses, neighborhoods, and a hookah bar.  The most hurtful hate has come from my Christian “family”.  I believed that God had put people in authority over me and I was taught to submit to said authority.  I believed that the “hard” people were there to teach me grace, mercy, forgiveness and love.

And while I still believe those things to a degree, I’m angry that I’ve allowed myself to take on and believe their shit! 

I AM DONE! 

I was dumped by one “friend” because I DARED to show compassion for the Black Lives Matter folks in my Facebook feed.  What part of “ALL lives matter” do you not get?  The fact that you twisted what I said and made it about YOU, is not my problem – it’s your problem.  I won’t take on your hate.  You don’t like me.  You don’t agree with my opinions.  You think I agree with everything YOU think and say?  No way!  BUT, I understand that opinions are formed by experience, education, and emotion and I would NEVER have cut you out of my life just because I disagreed with you.  I loved you.  I NEVER made your opinions about ME!

I was accused of thinking horrible things about certain people because I quoted a statistic from a book.  Let that sink in…A STATISTIC FROM A BOOK!  I personally feel compelled to help the needy with my prayers, good thoughts, AND expendable income.  That does NOT make me a bad person.  No, I do NOT expect others to feel as I do nor do I condemn anyone else for the way they spend their dollars. 

I want ME back.  I am sick of living my life like I did something wrong just because someone decided they wanted to believe the worst about me. 

This:

-To the pastor I loved, admired, and thought the world of: NO, I NEVER EVER EVER lied to you!  You were wrong, plainly and simply wrong!

-No, I did not tell a family member anything unkind about you and did NOT deserve that hateful email.

-No, I did NOT put a hit out on you.  You’ve hated me for years and you’ve told multiple lies about me.  I was simply sitting in the church pew listening to the teaching when I suddenly realized you were standing guard behind me – arms folded, eyes strained on me.  What is your problem?  Enough is enough! 

-No, God did not “close the door of opportunity” for you to confront the afore mentioned crazy woman.  The God who made “don’t lie” one of His top 10 would never close the door of opportunity to tell the truth! 

-To the church leader: how dare you refuse to serve me communion at church just because your wife is filled with hatred for me. 

-To the pastor of the big church on the corner:  Simply standing on that enormous stage and teaching the ways of Jesus isn’t enough.  Do you not think it’s important to practice what you preach?  I don’t think it’s crazy to expect that when your leadership team speaks from that pulpit about reconciliation, that they also PRACTICE the same.  Church has NEVER been a safe place for our family – NEVER!

-To the LONG list of people who've said judgmental, cruel and untrue things about my children - unless you're in the arena getting your ass kicked, I don't need your feedback!

-To the pastor who told me I was on a “dangerous path” because I wouldn’t submit to verbal abuse and lies – you are WRONG.  Period!

I can’t change the hateful, but I can change me.  I’ll continue to show love to those with whom I disagree.  I will also SPEAK against the lies.  I DESERVE to be defended – even if only by me.

2016 was hard for many of us.  Enough is enough.  I can’t change the world, but I can stand against the hatred in my world.  I’m tired of being your punching bag.

I Choose Wholeness

One of my Facebook friends posted the following status recently: Psychologists say we judge and condemn others according to our own weaknesses. We project our weaknesses onto them.

I thought about responding with a snide comment. For you see, this is the woman who—along with her husband—convinced a pastor that I was manipulative and controlling and therefore should be replaced. They made their case by accusing me of saying things I hadn’t said.

We don’t have to look far to know that the psychologists are right. We see pastors rail against homosexuals, only to be exposed as a closeted gay. Politicians fight prostitution, only to be outed as regular consumers of the working girls.

Girls are great at making mean and ugly accusations against one another. My husband often says, “Boys are dumb, girls are mean.” True. We’re jealous, self-conscious, insecure, and snide. Although I believe that’s what we are deep down inside, we have the power to be our best selves, not our weakest selves.

A few women in my life have been a bit grumpy about the fact that I’ve pulled away from them. Instead of asking why I’ve made that choice, they’ve done just what the psychologists have suggested they would do—they’ve assumed things about me. These assumptions might just say more about who they are, than who I am.

To the family member who told me I don’t “accept people for who they are”—I wish you could accept me as I am. To the cousin who believes I was “in the belly of the whale”—you were wrong. Your words did, however, reveal SOME truth. I wish you’d listen to what I’ve learned (and it’s not what you think). To the woman who accused me of being jealous of her, the woman who told me God shut the door of opportunity to do the right thing, the lady who told me I’m unforgiving, and the mom who accused my kids of doing something they didn’t do; I wish I could help you understand. I’m sorry you chose to bulldoze over our friendship.

I choose to be positive. I choose to be around women who seek to close wounds rather than rip them open over and over again. I choose to walk away from the accuser, and into the arms of the healer.

I choose to make 2011 the year of wholeness.

I saw your name on Facebook...

“I had no idea what Facebook was. And now that I do—I think it’s a huge waste of time.” Betty White said that when she hosted Saturday Night Live last month.

After Ms. White’s wildly popular Snickers commercial aired during the Super Bowl earlier this year, there was a massive Facebook campaign to get the octogenarian actress on the long-running NBC live sketch comedy series, Saturday Night Live. She started her television career back in the era when most all television was live, so surely she was a natural to host SNL.

The campaign worked and the uber talented Betty White wowed the studio audience and the TV viewers. So maybe Facebook isn’t such a huge waste of time after all, eh?

Well, I think it does have its positives, but mostly…Betty White is right.

The social networking sight has not become a giant time suck for me yet because I have never, ever played Farmville, Mafia Wars, The Sims, Plants vs. Zombies, Pacman, Doodle Jump, or any of the other addictive and wacky games or applications.

It has been a joy, however, to reconnect with a few long lost friends, co-workers, and classmates. In fact, five times as many people showed up for our 30^th high school class reunion just a few months ago as came to our 25^th gathering (only 4 classmates showed up at that one). I give Facebook all the credit for helping us reconnect.

The other day I got a note in my FB inbox.

“I have seen your name come up on fb several times… I began to wonder if you could possibly be the Elizabeth Santori that I had in my 2nd grade class at Tarpey when I first started teaching. If so, you were such a great kid and always made my day!”

It was a note from my second grade teacher, Mrs. Higgins! I remember her very well, and it was a wonderful surprise to know that she remembered me. Her note made me smile.

So, although Facebook can sometimes be a huge waste of time, I want to thank Mrs. Higgins for taking an extra moment to drop me a line.

I’ve sent several notes to friends, and even a few strangers, whose lives have intersected with mine through mutual acquaintances. I’ve let people know I was praying for them in the midst of a struggle, and I’ve reminded seldom-seen folks that they matter to me.

I’ve been “unfriended’ by a few, and I’ve gotta say…that hurts. Cyber rejection hurts almost as much as a face-to-face slap down, but connecting with someone from my long ago past makes my heart sing.

Thanks Mrs. Higgins for your kind words. You made my day. You reminded me that Facebook isn’t just a huge waste of time but can, in fact, bring joy.